FW:

A co-worker forwarded this e-mail to me today – it’s probably soon to arrive in your own e-mail in-boxes, but I thought I would share since it made me snort a couple of times.

———-

Random Thoughts of the Day:

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

8. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

9. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

13. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

14. Was learning cursive really necessary?

15. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

17. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

20. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

21. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

22. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

23. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

24. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

25. Bad decisions make good stories

26. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

27. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….

28. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

29. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

30. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

31. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

32. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

36. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

37. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

38. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

39. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

40. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

41. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

42. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

43. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

44. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

45. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

46. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

New! Improved! Feature! Announcement!

Did you know that I take pretty, pretty pictures? Like this one:

And this one:

And this one:

Now these pictures (and many more!) are available for purchase by YOU, my gentle readers and beloved friends. You can order prints ranging in size from 7×10 all the way up to a gigantic 24×36. You can choose from a selection of papers, and you can even purchase the images framed to your liking.

Please visit my site, Snerkology On Imagekind, and begin filling up the blank spots on your walls! There are currently twenty images to choose from, but I’ll be adding to the storefront on a frequent basis.

Thanks!

Whupped.

Today I’m going to do something that I, personally, HATE it when other bloggers do (the grammar isn’t right, there, but I’m too lazy to figure it out). I’m going to mention that there is drama going on, without actually saying what the drama is, then wax verbose at how it’s all making me feel, all without going into any details.

Writing is how I deal with things.

I’m very sad today. There was a big blow out that has resulted in a lot of upset folks, and Calvin and I are kind of keeping distance from one another. The whole mess erupted very late last night, caused very little sleep to be had, and bestowed upon me one WICKED headache. Add to that the fact that Calvin had his round of tests with the cardiologist this morning, which left him feeling whupped and unwell (we find out the results on September 11). I have no idea how the other people involved in the argument are faring, but I can’t imagine it’s any better than we are.

So. I’m at work, he’s at home, parties aren’t speaking, and it all pretty much sucks.

I wish that it was a cultural or instinctual rule that people write down all of their negative feelings, issues, anger, and upset, formulate their arguments point by point, articulate their point of view (with no swear words, mind you), and exchange documents with the other party. Who would then answer each point with a counter-point of their own, and give the document back. Thus would an actual conversation take place, with far less misunderstanding than would occur during a shouting match where everyone is emoting and nobody is trying to resolve anything.

Yelling the words, “SHUT UP AND LISTEN,” does not, in fact, result in ANYONE shutting up OR listening. Who woulda thunk?

I have no idea how to fix this. None whatsoever. Keep on keepin’ on, of course, but there’s some big bad stuff hanging out there, words exchanged that can never should have seen the light of day and now cannot be un-said, and terribly hurt feelings all the way around.

Fucking drama. I HATE IT. I’m ill-equipped to deal with it. My immediate reaction is to try to force everyone to talk about it, but talking is SO not working, and probably never will work in this particular situation, regarding this particular topic. My next reaction is to just lay low and let it all blow over, but I’m really not sure if it will, this time. Certainly, relationships have been altered, as have perceptions.

I have no idea what the fallout of all of this is going to be.

Writing is not making me feel any better, dammit.

Want Disease

I have a major case of “want disease”. It’s usually something that I suppress pretty well, since the things I want are usually impractical or out of my reach, either financially or logistically. For instance, I doubt the homeowner’s association would appreciate a horse grazing away in my back yard.

Since getting this new writing gig, though, I’ve been thinking about all the things that I want, in order to facilitate my writing and photography. My immediate longing is for a space of my own – an office or room with a large desk where I can spread out. I was planning on turning Marie’s room into a home office, that could double as a guest room if the need arose (Michael’s old room is now used for storage). But since she moved back in (her lease was up, her boyfriend joined the military, none of her friends are in the position to share a place with her), that plan is going to be on hold for the foreseeable future.

In the meantime, I’m stuck with writing on my laptop while perched on the couch or the bed. The kitchen table is uncomfortable, and the tiny computer workstation in our bedroom is cluttered and cramped. I want a place where I can have an external monitor and keyboard, where I can put my legs fully under the desk, where I can spread out with books and gear and papers and trade publications. I want a space that is mine, where I can shut the door if I need to (more to keep the cats out than any particular human). A place that’s quiet and away from the mechanics of the household, that is dedicated (key point) as my working space.

I also want my own personal laptop. I primarily use the one that’s been provided by AcronymCo, and it is SLOW with a capital SLOW when I’m editing pictures. Calvin uses the one that we own for his personal, ah, “interests”, and I don’t want us bickering over who “gets to” use the computer when I have work to do. I want a permanent setup with a big ol’ monitor, external keyboard, and mouse, from which I can dock and un-dock. It would also need to be hooked up to a massive external drive to store all of my documents and pictures. I’d also love to have a top-of-the-line photo printer… you know, while I’m wishing.

I want, I want, I want. None of it is going to come any time soon, so I have to reconcile myself to a writing/working setup that is “good enough for now”. I have no idea on what that might entail. Any suggestions?

Newsy news.

If I could remember who taught me how to read and write (my mother? my kindergarten teacher? osmosis?) I would rain blessings upon them. Because, when I think about it, my ENTIRE LIFE’S BREAD AND BUTTER is based on the fact that I consume and produce a mind boggling amount of words words words words words.

Runner up on the whole raining blessings thing would be my typing teacher in 10th grade. Wish I could remember her name. I wonder if my uncle still has my high school yearbooks?

Anyway, I have a fun announcement! I have been chosen for a freelance writing/photography position, over at Beyond Megapixels. My debut entry is here, all about how I overcame the intimidation of using my D-SLR’s manual mode. I hope you all will follow me over there and enjoy all of the down to earth photography advice and articles that BMP has to offer.

Yeah, I’m gonna be one busy little chickie, between BMP, UpTake, my actual *day* job, and going back to school. But busy is the way I like it!

Eight Years

Still miss you, Grammy.

Right on schedule, folks!

I’ve heard from my crazy ex again. He left me a voicemail message on my work phone at 5:30 on Sunday morning – you know, so there was no chance of me answering, or anything. Transcribed for your amusement:

“Well, I don’t know if you looked at the pictures or not, but you should have, cuz they’re good. I have finally realized my dream of living on a South Pacific tropical island. So. Next time I send pictures, open ’em up… and, uh, just wanna say I probably never would’ve done it if you hadn’t left, so… it’s okay. Talk to you later! Bye.”

You’ll recall the pictures he’s referring to. I never responded to him directly, but I posted about it. Which just proves that he still doesn’t know about my website, which is a-ok with me! That’s the whole reason why I started my website using a nom-de-net, after all. Seems to me it’s still a good idea to continue writing as Laura Charon.

The funny thing is? He’s calling from a 480 area code. The last time I checked, that’s Arizona, NOT a “South Pacific tropical island” (and you should have heard the lilt as he pronounced that – all, “Ahh… envy me, for I am living The Good Life”).

You guys, I left him in January of 1997. This motherfucker is one obsessed sumbitch. But, gee, it sounds like he’s forgiven me, right, with his “…it’s okay”? Well, phew! I can finally sleep at night!

Snort.

If he continues as has been his habit in the past, I’ll be hearing from him once or twice again within the week. I’ll be sure to keep you all updated as the situation develops. Happy Monday!

Good News

So, yesterday turned out better than we expected. Todd from Dent Crafters arrived at 10:00 to repair the ding in our truck, caused by the motorcycle’s mirror when it tipped over. When he initially looked at it, he was skeptical (so he said to Calvin) that he’d be able to fully remove the evidence of the dent, given its shape and position. But when he rang the door bell to tell us it was done, and I went out to the driveway to inspect his work, I swear I couldn’t find any evidence whatsoever that anything had ever happened to the truck at all. Not only that, he charged us LESS than he originally quoted to me over the phone. So how’s about them apples? Arizona residents, if you need this kind of work done to your vehicle, I can’t recommend Dent Crafters enough. Look ’em up in the yellow pages!

Then the Kawasaki Superstore called us at about noon (they picked up the motorcycle with their trailer on Friday afternoon) to tell us the motorcycle was ready. All it needed was a tune-up, all work was covered under the extended warranty, and we left there with a perfectly running motorcycle and no money out of pocket.

We celebrated our good fortune with a couple of beers at Sandstone– where we were highly amused, then a little annoyed, by the antics of a young man who’d had a few (dozen) too many. Come to find out, he’d been there Friday night and dropped a $250 tab, and then showed up early in the afternoon on Saturday to drop another $300 tab – buying drinks and shots for the entire bar. Which is tiny, mind you, but still. The tiny little micro-bartendress had to exert her authority and help his friends haul him off to sober up. But before things turned south, he sure was funny.

So! That’s the news. I’ve got some more writing and photo editing to do (I’m going write for Uptake, and post the buffalo’s story that I mentioned here), and my additional goals for today include cleaning the kitchen, putting away last week’s laundry and starting on this week’s, and watching some football (WOOOOOT! Football season!). Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

Fack feck fick fock fuck. And sometimes fyck.

So, I mentioned in No Butts that Calvin’s motorcycle met with an unfortunate accident. Not, thankfully, while Calvin was on it. No, it happened in the dark, in the middle of the night, when no one was around.

If a motorcycle tips over in the middle of the night with no one around to see it, does it make a sound? Probably. GOD DAMMIT.

Somehow, sometime between Sunday evening at about 9:00, and Monday afternoon at 4:00, Calvin’s motorcycle tipped over in the garage. It took our two bicycles with it, and the mirror struck the side of the truck, breaking it off and leaving a dent in the driver’s door. I discovered this unfortunate scene as I was departing on Monday afternoon to return the camera lenses I rented for our vacation. I opened the garage door, and stood there for a good three minutes, just staggered. My brain couldn’t process what my eyes were looking at.

I stammered, “Calvin! Calvin, come here. Oh, hell, LOOK AT THIS.” He leaped from the couch and came hustling over to me. Then he, too, stood in the doorway, staring, dumbfounded. We took turns exclaiming to each other, “How the FUCK could this have happened?!?” We looked, we examined, we walked around and around the scene of the crime, we puzzed and we puzzed till our puzzlers were sore.

Because the thing is? It tipped over on the side opposite of the kickstand. So, somehow, it had to tip up, over, and past the gravity mid-point, to come crashing down on the right hand side. Nobody had been in the garage since the night before, when everything was safe and sound. The garage door was closed. Nobody has access except me and Calvin and Marie, and Marie had gone out the front door on Monday morning, not through the garage.

I forget, have I mentioned that Marie is living with us again? Anyway…

I was to the point of tears, I felt so bad for Calvin. The look on his face… he didn’t freak out, he didn’t curse or stomp, he just… looked. Ugh. It was heartbreaking. He’s OBSESSIVE about taking care of all his vehicles, but particularly his motorcycle. He’s been riding since he was, what, three? Four? And he’s NEVER LAID DOWN A BIKE (motocross doesn’t count). Not once.

Anyway. He muscled the thing back up (it weighs, what, 800 pounds? I was muy impressed) and conducted an examination. All told, the footboard is bent, the mirror is broken, and there’s a scratch on one of the pipes. Cosmetically, not too bad. When he started it up, though, it sounded very wrong. A pinging? Clicking? Something. He thinks that something leaked from some reservoir into the internal mechanics of the motor, while the bike was on its side (he can explain it, it’s beyond me). So the bike is going to the shop today to assess the situation.

Which, in turn, will cost us money. If it’s more than our deductible, we’re filing a claim (we took a bunch of pictures, but they’re on the camera, and I don’t want to depress you with images of the carnage). Homeowner’s or auto, we’re not sure. They’re with the same company, anyway. The dent in the truck is getting repaired tomorrow. Like Calvin said, “It’s like one of my favorite vehicles was smacked with another one of my favorite vehicles.” The Trailblazer is the nicest truck we’ve ever had, and the Vulcan is the nicest motorcycle Calvin has ever had. Fuckin’ figures, don’t it?

(Title blantantly stolen from Taoist Biker. I believe he would like me to apply his words to this entry, sympathetic as he will surely be to the whole motorcycle situation.)

Okay, gang…

Still tweaking, but what do you think about the new design? Like it? Hate it? Indifferent?

Anyone? Is this thing on?

Beuller?