FW:

Posted: August 28, 2009 in Bring the funny

sheldonevilsmileA co-worker forwarded this e-mail to me today – it’s probably soon to arrive in your own e-mail in-boxes, but I thought I would share since it made me snort a couple of times.

———-

Random Thoughts of the Day:

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

8. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

9. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

13. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

14. Was learning cursive really necessary?

15. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

17. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

20. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

21. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

22. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

23. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

24. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

25. Bad decisions make good stories

26. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

27. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….

28. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

29. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

30. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

31. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

32. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

36. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

37. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

38. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

39. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

40. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

41. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

42. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

43. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

44. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

45. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

46. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

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Comments
  1. angie says:

    These are priceless! I can’t even begin to count how many I agree with and/or have actually said!

  2. Heather says:

    #44 – My freezer has a light. 😀

  3. Shelli says:

    Oh wow, those are too funny!! Some of them are so true to me, it’s eerie. #12 is definately my husband! I think I’ll send this along to everyone in my address book, too. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  4. Taoist Biker says:

    I saw those on my moto board last week and I hate you for beating me to the punch. 😉

    BTW, did you get your voice mail? Or did I leave a completely random person a rambling message punctuated by roaring 250 engines?

  5. Kimmothy says:

    #10 – I totally did that with O’ Brother Where Art Thou and probably every Kevin Smith movie ever made!

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