Avitable’s Man Test

Posted: November 23, 2010 in Friends, Listy goodness, Pimp

Adam Avitable wrote an entry about an article he read, listing the fifty things every guy should know how to do. As I read through the list I came to the conclusion that I, too, know how to do a non-zero amount of them.

The article he references is here. And now, my take:

1. Make a mean breakfast – The meanest breakfast I ever made was *for* my man, and it consisted of bacon, eggs, biscuits, sausage gravy, and hash browns. Bill makes a mean, mean breakfast skillet, too.

2. Shave – I can, of course, shave my assorted bits. I’ve never given Bill a shave, though. I doubt he’d let me come near him with a straight edge – all his past transgressions would rise up and choke him.

3. Make a drink – I’m not too boned up on this one, actually. I can mix a decent gin and tonic, or screwdriver, or greyhound, or Jack and coke, but if the ingredients go further than one booze and one mixer, I get lost unless I have a bar book in front of me.

4. Change a diaper – Both of us are champion diaper-changers. And we’re of the opinion that our kids can put off having any (more) babies for as LOOOOONG as they want, so we don’t have to change any (more) in the near future.

5. Drive in crappy conditions – Bill’s going to disagree that I’m a capable driver in poor weather, but he hasn’t seen me tackle a black-iced road at two in the morning with sleet hammering down.

6. Spot a liar – I’m not too great at this, unless it’s one of the kids. I’m too trusting of the basic decency of humanity. What a New Year’s Resolution that would make – “Be more suspicious.”

7. Surf the web anonymously – Other than signing off of my various log-ins, I’m actually not positive how to do this.

8. Buy a gift for a woman – I can buy a gift for anyone. The trick lies in buying them something they LIKE. And I’m never sure, when I give someone a gift, if they actually like it, or are just being polite. See #6.

9. Off-road without flipping the ATV – Noooo idea. I’d love to give it a shot, though!

10. Talk your way out of a traffic ticket – Hah. Not a chance. I’m wired to take the punishment that I deserve. Hmm… that sounded delightfully dirty.

11. Open a bottle unconventionally – Bill’s a champ at this, and because he is, I’ve never tried.

12. Unhook a bra with one hand – You know? I just tried doing this and, I can’t! Not on myself, anyway, and I’ve never tried to unhook another girl’s bra (bucket list!). Bill’s a champ at this one, too… channels Fonzie while he’s doing it, though, which isn’t as cute as he thinks it is.

13. Sew a button – My grandmother raised me. Of COURSE I can sew a button.

14. Choose the right urinal – Bill and I actually had a discussion about this once. If you’re the only guy in there, choose the middle one. If there’s someone else in there, don’t choose the one right next to him. If those two conditions don’t exist, go in a stall.

15. Spot fake breasts – “Real or Fake” is one of our favorite games!

16. Rally after a big night of drinking – Nope. I’m out like a light, then require a big greasy breakfast, possiblly followed by a nice cleansing hurl.

17. Upgrade at a hotel – I’ve got a 50/50 success rate on this, but I’m never afraid to ask.

18. Unclog a toilet – A required skill when one has children and grandchildren.

19. Parallel park – GAAAH. I suck at it, and have been known to keep circling to look for a less skill-required parking space. Bill’s a champ at it, though.

20. Play poker – I just learned how to play last summer, and I’m not that great at it. That fact may or may not be directly related to the amount of whiskey I consumed while learning.

21. Dance – I can, with probably more enthusiasm than skill. Bill does a mean African Anteater Ritual.

22. Do at least ten push-ups on command – Sure, I can do ten.

23 – Shine your shoes – Sure.

24 – Iron a shirt – I can, though I haven’t had to in a long time. We’re of the “spray it with water and toss it in the dryer” camp.

25 – Perform CPR – I need to get re-certified, but yes, I know how to perform CPR.

26 – Know how to navigate a road trip – I’m usually the navigator on vacation, and other than a couple of memorable turn-arounds, I usually do a pretty darn good job.

27. Pick up a girl using a dog as your wingman – I’ve never tried, but Gypsy used to get a lot of attention when she was a puppy.

28 – Drive a manual car – Before I got divorced, all of my cars were stick shift.

29 – Choose a scotch/whiskey – Hah. HA HA. I haz ze MAD SKILLS.

30 – Paddle a canoe/kayak – Yep!

31. Use a chainsaw – I’d… better not.

32. Tap and operate a keg – Never done it, no idea how to. I usually BYOB to those kids of events anyway, because the kegs are inevitably of the Bud Light variety.

33. Build a fire – If I have all of the ingredients, yes. Matches, kindling, newspapers, kerosene…

34. Cast a fishing rod – Sure. It’s baiting the hook that squicks me out.

35. Erect a tent – With instructions and enough beer, sure.

36. Tie a tie – I probably ought to cultivate this skill, since Bill swears up a storm the once every two years he has to wear a tie and goes through the rigmarole of re-teaching himself how to tie it.

37. Haggle for a lower price – I’m not really very good at this, but Bill is, and I’m a good wingman for him. He’ll haggle for a car, I’ll sit there waiting for his signal, then when he gives it I make a move to get up and leave, the salesman knows that if he’s lost the wife he’s lost the deal, and the negotiations settle on something more accommodating.

38. Throw a football – I’d love to be able to throw a pretty spiral, but, well, I throw like a girl.

39. Jump-start a car – Necessity has made it such that this was required learning.

40. Pour a beer – Feh. Who needs a stinkin’ GLASS?

41. Know your local professional sports teams – Unfortunately, I’m well aware of my local professional sports teams (damn Cardinals.)

42. Some assembly required – If the instructions aren’t in JAPANESE, I can usually figure things out.

43. Get your money’s worth at a buffet – Nah, I usually get full too soon.

44. Pick up a woman with a one-liner – Do guys still think that works???

45. Hook up the cable – Sure, though Bill is the Electronics God in the house.

46. Fry a turkey – I could figure it out, but I like cooking the turkey in the oven. It makes the house smell good.

47. Throw a punch without looking like a sissy – I’ve thrown the perfect punch a thousand times… in my mind.

48. Bong a beer – Apparently I’m too old for this.

49. Use a charcoal grill – Charcoal used to be the only kind of grill we had. Now we have propane which is just better.

50. Change a tire – I know how, in theory, but I don’t think I’m strong enough. That’s why I have AAA.

And now, Adam’s list of 10 things that every man should do in his life:

1. Pee outside just because you can. I grew up in Maine. You do the math.
2. Try and fail miserably to fix something. Unless you count my first marriage, I can’t actually think of a time that I tried to fix something and couldn’t. Unless it was a dinner gone astray.
3. Think one of the Hansons was a hot girl. I laughed at this one, because once I DID mistake the youngest one for a girl.
4. Masturbate to a catalog or magazine that nobody would expect, like Sears, Hot Topic, Entertainment Weekly, National Geographic, or Conde Nast Traveler. No, I get my eye candy from the traditional sources.
5. Trim your toenails whilst sitting on the toilet. No, but yes to the bathroom sink.
6. Buy tampons voluntarily without grumbling, being embarrassed, or thinking that somehow the check out girl is going to think you have a bleeding vagina. This one’s kind of a necessity.
7. Cry at a movie, commercial, or TV show. All the flippin’ time.
8. Get someone flowers or a thoughtful gift, just because you wanted to. Yes, but not as often as I should.
9. Suffer from a urinary malfunction and accidentally pee everywhere but the fucking toilet before you can stop it. Ow, Adam. Really? This is something that SHOULD be on every guy’s bucket list???
10. Take at least one photo of your junk. [[REDACTED]]

And now, MY list of 10 things every woman should do in her life:

1. Be the “body” part of a body shot.
2. Go to the movies by yourself.
3. Take revealing pictures of yourself.
4. Go tandem skydiving strapped to the front of a burly Marine.
5. Make yourself foolish over a man. Or woman. Preference dependent.
6. When someone drunkenly yells out, “Show us your tits!” do it, just once.
7. Throw down beers at a biker bar.
8. Go on a solo weekend getaway.
9. Drunk dial your best friend.
10. Tell someone that has wronged you EXACTLY what you think of them.

Yes, I’ve done all of these things. You’re welcome for not making you go through the effort of wondering.

  1. crisi-tunity says:

    It would be hilarious to me if a few of the items on your list you’d actually done at the same time. Like #4 and #6, or #9 and #10.

  2. Oregon Sunshine says:

    I’ve done most (not all!) of the list of 50 already, minus any of the ones having to do with beer, for allergy reasons. As for Adam’s top 10, I’ve done all but 4 and 9. And as for your top 10, all but 4, and you have to change number 7 to tequila shots.

    I was most definitely not boring when I was younger.

    Also, I think this list should and can apply to most women. Why not!?

  3. iamheatherjo says:

    Give me a challenge, will ya? 😉

  4. Very entertaining!!!

    But Fonzie could undo a bra by just snapping his fingers.

  5. Taoist Biker says:

    Hey, I think I would receive at least a B- on that test. 🙂

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