In Which I Cannot Tell A Story

Posted: November 5, 2010 in blogs, Bring the funny, Pimp
Tags: ,

I’m about to admit a shameful thing. Shameful in that I am a blogger, nay, a WRITER, and as such I should have this particular skill that I am about to tell you I don’t have.

I can’t tell a story. To SAVE MY LIFE, or the life of someone I care about, or even someone with whom I’m only faintly acquainted but hey I’m a nice girl so I’ll give the whole life-saving thing a go if only to benefit my karma, I cannot tell a story.

I get the order wrong. I don’t have bright and shiny descriptive… um… things. WORDS. Those things. I know the middle, and I know how it starts, and I kind of know where I want to get. But not how. And the momentum, it kind of loses all of it. I start out with a great pace, kind of get muddled around after a bit, and in the end if someone could draw a pictorial of the wending path of my story it would start to look like one of those Family Circus cartoons where Billy (not my Billy – who would give you A Look if you called him Billy – but the cartoon Billy) has been all over the neighborhood chasing a butterfly.

Pretty! Butterfly!

Where was I? Right. Story. Can’t tell one.

I would love to be one of those vastly entertaining story-tellers, the kind that are sought out in parties and added to guest lists by virtue of their story-telling abilities alone. “Oh, let’s invite Tiff! You know how fun she is with a story. Maybe she’ll tell the one about how she hugged the toilet at Iguana Mack’s. That one’s a HOOT!”

At first, I thought that by my very blogging nature, I MUST be a good story-teller. Ask Bill about that. I’d be in a conversational group, wending my way along, realize I was taking too long, start to see the eyes of my audience glaze over, try to frantically recall any pithy and fun detail that might corral the interest back in my direction and not on, oh, say, DUST MOTES, catch Bill’s “WRAP IT UP” glare, and peter to a stuttering halt with a sheepish smile. At which point there would be a collective, mostly inaudible “ANYWAY!” sigh, and I would relinquish conversational control to someone more qualified.

I stopped telling stories. Unless I was drunk. Ask me about when I was drunk! Everybody knows drunk people are interesting! And funny!

Anyway. Fortunately, the Internet is blessed with those bloggers who CAN tell a story, and tell a story well. Like this one, and this one, and this one. I read them. I study them. I learn from them. And in the end…

In the end…

I STILL can’t tell a story to save my life. Or anyone else’s. It is my life-long sorrow. My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes.

Hey, wait, I’ve found something I AM good at. Gross, negligent exaggeration. WIN.

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Comments
  1. crisi-tunity says:

    It’s okay. I can’t communicate verbally remotely as well as I can in writing. We all have different talents, and yours is to be completely awesome in all other ways except storytelling (in person…you are terrific at telling stories here).

  2. It’s much easier to write a story because we can go back and edit and re-arrange and think up the right word (nothing frustrates me more than searching for a word in mid-conversation and apparently 36 is the new 96 since I find myself doing that a lot).

    I’m an OKAY storyteller but I would love to be able to hold a crowd’s attention as I tell some hilarious or poignant tale.

    If you like reading people who seem like they’re probably good storytellers in person I strongly suggest that you RUN NOT WALK to read Kate at http://sweetsalty.com because oh my hell. There are times I read her stuff and think about just shutting down and never speaking or writing ever again.

    Recently she gave a speech at A Walk To Remember where she spoke about having lost one of her twins and it is just amazing. She is amazing. http://www.sweetsalty.com/sweetsalty/2010/10/3/fielding-love-the-walk-to-remember.html

  3. Sherry says:

    Gah, why did it log me in as “girlinhalifax”?! WTF?

  4. Sherry says:

    Oh! I know why! It’s because I created a new account to make a back-up blog for my sister while trying to export all her blog posts so I can upgrade her WAY outdated version of WordPress. Still. Weird!

  5. Marie says:

    psh, I think you’re a great storyteller! I don’t have the attention span to put together anything coherent that takes longer than 15 minutes to write.

  6. Taoist Biker says:

    PAH. You told one or three stories perfectly well, and I think at least one of us was sober for at least one of those!

    ­čśë

    • Tiffany says:

      Geez, and me without a video camera. Or, wait, I did have one. Okay, me without the presence of (drunken) mind to turn said video camera on. Which, in retrospect, was probably a GOOD thing.

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