Posted: January 29, 2010 in Headspace

I was just conversing with a coworker. She says that she basically doesn’t tell her husband ANYTHING about her daily life. Things she’s done. Conversations she’s had. Money she’s spent. And she purposefully DOESN’T tell her husband a LOT of things. She says, and I quote, “There are just some things that aren’t any of his business.” And yet, when I asked her, she said that she considered their marriage to be very healthy and happy. And she seemed stunned that I didn’t immediately agree with her behavior. As if to say, “Keeping secrets is Relationship 101.”

I don’t get that. Not at all.

My vision of a good marriage pretty much makes it a NECESSITY that he know everything about me, and I know everything about him. There is NOTHING about me that Bill doesn’t already know, and vice-versa. And if there IS a story that hasn’t been told, it’s because he or I haven’t thought to tell it, yet. No specific and purposeful withholding of ANY information, ever. Hell, we OVER share with one another. Pretty much every thought, feeling, and emotion. Every action and reaction. Even when it sucks. Even when it’s guaranteed to prompt an argument. We’re all about the Full Disclosure. Sometimes brutal honesty IS brutal, but it’s also honest.

So, I just thought I’d throw that out there for conversation’s sake. How do you feel about keeping secrets from your significant other?

  1. Bill says:

    The day to day stuff does not really matter to me unless you feel it is important enough to share.
    But if you ever said to me that there are things you do and think that you purposefully do not share with me this relationship would be over as we know it.
    Maybe he has the same attitude towards her and that’s why she finds that ok?
    When I was with the ex I would leave stuff out and out right lie because it was always better than telling her something you knew would make her mad and then have to deal with the yelling,hitting… It’s no fun wondering when a pissed off spouse is going to stick you with a dinner fork because you shared a story about some girl you spoke to at work.

  2. jadesymb says:

    I really wanna know who….
    I tell Bobby almost everything, but I don’t always tell him how much I spend on things or how much sugar I’ve had today 🙂

  3. jinbeth says:

    I would say we don’t keep secrets about anything important. But, we don’t bore each other with a play-by-play of our time apart each day, either.

  4. Kami-O says:

    Granted I’ve never been married but when I was with Paul I told him everything..He was also one of those guys that if I didn’t he’d sometimes panic or think I was withholding something..

  5. iamheatherjo says:

    And that, my dear, is exactly why I never told YOU everything especially when I had to work with Bill. 😉

    I’ll never be a person who shares everything and I don’t need to know every-single-thing, either. I also never liked knowing that confidences I shared with a friend were then shared with their significant others (in most cases, I’m friends with them too). If I’d wanted to tell their partners, I would have done it myself, you know?

    • Tiffany says:

      I was really just referring to keeping important secrets, or secrets about details that would effect the other person, but I get what you’re saying. I was more talking about KEEPING something from your significant other, on purpose.

  6. Taoist Biker says:

    Hmm. I’m kinda coming at it from another angle. There was a time when I was so thoroughly insecure that I craved a lot more “what-are-you-doing-right-now” in my relationships than was healthy. The fact that we’ve come to a point at which we can say “this is the ‘US’ realm, and everything else is your beeswax” is a good thing in many respects. It doesn’t mean that Big Things are hidden (I hope!), but that it’s coming from a different place.

    Not to discount or disrespect what you’re saying in any way, shape, or form – but to say that my own experience (and unique personality defects) leads me down a slightly different path. I think excessive secret-keeping is never good, but is one of those obscenity-definition things that I can’t really define per se, “I know it when I see it.” Generally speaking what’s right for you is right for you. Figure it out and roll with it.

    I think that makes sense. Maybe it’s the Bacardi talking.

    • Tiffany says:

      I agree that every relationship strikes its own healthy balance between sharing and boring their spouse with meaningless details. Like I said to Heather, the part that I disagree with is purposefully hiding something from your significant other. If you’re doing that, if you HAVE to do that, you’re not in the right relationship.

  7. Shelli says:

    I’m so with you on this one! My Husband and I share everything with each other. And I mean EVERYTHING! I have been married once before, and in a 9 year relationship with a fiance, and in both of those relationship, secrets were kept. Not even big secrets! But secrets, nonetheless.

    NOW, I have the absolute best relationship I’ve ever had in my life, and I attribute it to us being brutally honest with each other at all times, about all things. From our day-to-day activities, to how much was spent (we share bookkeeping duties), to our feelings about everything (including each other), to mistakes made … everything! And to be honest, in the 5 years we’ve been together, we’ve had 3 fights of the knock-down-drag-out type. Our “arguments” don’t even register on the scale of normal people’s arguments. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, and it feels great! 🙂

    *Side note to HeatherJo: A friend of mine once said to me that she always automatically assumes that anything she tells a married person, she expects that their spouse will be told. She sees a married couple as a single entity. If she doesn’t want the spouse to know something, she doesn’t tell either of them (as opposed to asking the person to keep it from their spouse), because she can not legitimately expect one to keep a secret from the other, since that would require a spouse to break a vow to the other to never lie. If you go into it with that point of view, you’ll be less hurt or offended if your “secret” is shared with a spouse. 🙂

    • Tiffany says:

      It is nice to be married to your best friend, isn’t it? 😀

      I actually do operate on the assumption that if I tell a married friend something, they’re going to tell their husband/wife. I’m sure my own friends understand that unless they specifically tell me something they wouldn’t want Bill to know (can’t see why or when or about what that would happen) I tell him, “Oh, I was talking to such and so today…”

  8. iamheatherjo says:

    That’s why I said I don’t tell them (married folks) everything. 🙂

  9. […] Don’t Share By iamheatherjo Tiff’s entry got me thinking about what I am willing to share and what I am not. I also began thinking about […]

  10. Amanda says:

    I’m with you, Tiffany!

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