Start/Stop/Continue

Posted: November 19, 2009 in Calvin, Drama, goals, Headspace

Calvin and I had the fight to end all fights last weekend. Not a disagreement, not a discussion, not an argument. A. Fight. It will henceforth be referred to as THE Fight, because it has eclipsed all other fights that we’ve had during our relationship. Kind of like how WWI was “The Great War” until WWII came along, then that became THE War that everyone referred to in their vernacular.

The what’s, how’s, and why’s of the fight don’t really matter. What does matter is how we go on from here.

Also, before anyone worries, we’re fine. We had a fight. Every married couple fights, some more than others. We don’t, very often. But when we do, it causes us to sit up and pay attention.

I’m paying attention. So is Calvin. But, since this is MY journal, I’m going to write about what I’m going to do (not an all-inclusive list, but a start):

I’m going to Start:
– Getting out of my own head, and pay attention when Calvin has a complaint. I fuss at him when he doesn’t validate my feelings, and yet I seem to have gotten into the habit of doing the same to him.
– Better organizing my time. I’m not “spending time” with Calvin if I’m just sitting on the couch next to him, working. I can’t pay attention to what he’s saying, and what we’re talking about, and how well I’m communicating, if I’m distracted.
– Making sure I am heard and understood, clearly and accurately.
– Bringing back “the little things” that seem to have fallen on the wayside, lately.

I’m going to Stop:
– Assuming his feelings can’t get hurt.
– Formulating my own response in my head, while Calvin is talking, thereby missing what he’s actually saying.
– Interrupting.
– Stressing when we don’t finish the discussion by agreeing 100%. Understanding and consideration (and the permission we give each other to disagree) is more important than complete agreement.
– Ignoring and/or avoiding problems.

I’m going to Continue:
– Making a positive effort.
– Being patient, and having confidence in our relationship.
– Communicating my needs, while considering his needs as well.
– Doing the best I can.
– Holding myself accountable for the fault that is mine.
– Being myself, and loving Calvin for who he is.

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Comments
  1. Taoist Biker says:

    I think I should copy this onto a strip of leather and use it as a bookmark for every book I’m reading for the rest of my life.

    Bravo, madam.

  2. Calvin says:

    You are a special kind of amazing!

  3. Shelli says:

    You are definitely wise beyond your years. And obviously Calvin knows what a catch he’s got! 😉

  4. Kimmothy says:

    We had a Come-To-Jesus, rip-roaring blow-out not too long ago as well. But like you, I think the important thing to do is learn from it, take responsibility for your part and carry on. Like you said, every couple argues now and then and really the only time to start worrying is when you NEVER disagree about anything, because that just means neither of you cares enough.
    I’m glad things are back to happy!

  5. […] 14th. Bill and I had a fight that was monumentally awful at the time, but the after-effects caused us to re-evaluate how we […]

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