Messy

Posted: September 23, 2009 in bitching, Headspace, Health/Fitness, WTF

1iconwickedcoolGood grief, my head has been an absolute mess, lately. In more ways than one.

I’m having a tough time with depression and anxiety. I’ve completely forgotten how to manage my stress. I’ve been wanting to stay in bed for longer and longer periods of time, stay asleep for more and more hours of the day. Yesterday I stayed home sick from work (more on that in a minute). I slept until 8:00, had a doctor’s appointment at noon, took a nap at 4:00 and slept until after 6:00, then went to bed again at 10:00. Except for the doc’s appointment, I stayed in bed all day long. The sleeping was less because of my ailment, and more because of what ails me.

I find myself wanting to escape MORE into books, and movies, and TV, and just not spend any time at all thinking about anything whatsoever. I have no interest at all in getting out of my pajamas. I don’t want to go anywhere, don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to cook dinner, or do the chores, or manage any of the million little details of our lives (Calvin was awesome last night and did everything himself while I just sat on the couch and stared at the TV – I love him, have I mentioned that lately?). I just want to read, or sleep, or watch movies – all the while smashed up against Calvin and breathing in his scent. It’s the only thing that drives the bats out of my tummy, lately.

I know how to fix this, I do. Eat better, get a LOT more exercise, stick to my routine, and stay busy. Take my vitamins, give myself a pedicure, get outside now that the weather is getting cooler, and listen to more music. Most of all, WRITE. The solution is staring me right in the face, I just have to do it.

I’m all wallowing and shit. Time to flip a bitch and get headed back in the right direction, mentally.

———-

So, yeah. I’m dealing with a highly entertaining and NEW ailment that I now get to whine about.

Last Friday as I was working along at my desk, my vision suddenly started going South on me. Way, waaaaay South. There were blank spots in my vision – I would look at a person straight in their face, be able to see their left eye clearly, but their right eye was completely gone. I’d only see half of a word in a sentence on my screen. It was really freaky and all Picasso and shit. Then things got psychedelic on me (without the acid, even!), and I’d see zig-zag lines along my peripheral vision, glowing with electric colors and outlining the things I was looking at. Nothing hurt – my eyes FELT fine, and I didn’t have a headache.

Consternated is a word that comes to mind, to describe how I was feeling. Jen walked with me down to AcronymCo’s in-house doctor’s office (full service and nicer than my own doctor’s office). I described the symptoms to the nurse, who was stumped. She gave me some Advil and had me lay in a dark room for about twenty minutes. I napped a little, and when she came back in and turned the lights back on, my vision was returning to normal.

Since I hadn’t eaten in the 24 hours prior to the incident (I’d had lunch at Micky D’s the day before, then forgot to eat dinner because Calvin was out of town and I drank a 5 Hour Energy and got busy doing stuff, THEN I skipped breakfast because I was anticipating a big Team Lunch), I chalked it up to hunger. Things got back to normal and my group went to Dave & Busters for a team building and we had a good time and I pretty much forgot it ever happened.

Until Monday night, while we were watching the season premier of The Big Bang Theory. It started happening all over again, with the blank spots and the wavy lines and the psychedelics. No eye pain, no headache. I told Calvin, who Googled the shit out of it and came up with everything from allergies to cancer. After about 20 minutes the symptoms went away again, but since it happened twice in a few days, I decided to make a doctor’s appointment.

Tuesday morning I woke up with a killer headache (unrelated to the weirdness, I think it was allergies or stress), so I decided to work from home for a half day, then go to the doc’s (who fit me in for a noon appointment), then rest my head and eyes for the rest of the day. I described all of my symptoms to the doctor, and she’s 99% certain that I’m experiencing ocular migraines. She recommended that I see an opthemologist to make sure it wasn’t anything more serious, but she was pretty sure of her diagnosis, and it’s nothing serious at all. I just need to take Advil and rest my eyes and hope that this shit doesn’t happen while I’m driving.

Man, it’s always something, isn’t it?

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Comments
  1. Taoist Biker says:

    1) “Flip a bitch.” Love it.
    2) You say “going South” like it’s a bad thing. [Colonel Shuffle]I am O-Fin-Did, madam, O-Fin-Did.[/Shuffle]
    3) Dys once had a migraine that was bad enough we thought it might have been a mild stroke. Migraines ain’t no joke. Destressing, however you can manage that, might help a tad bit.
    4) I finally gave in and drank the Kool-Aid and SWORE I set the DVR to record the Big Bang Theory on Monday but the bastard didn’t record. So I reset it and hopefully it’ll work this time.

    Finally, of course, it seems like the blues are going around along with what Crisitunity is alluding to as the Geek Flu or whatever the hell that is. Being sick sucks, but being sick at heart sucks more. But it seems to suck less when we all suck together.

    You hug me, I’ll hug you, we’ll both hug the next person, and sooner or later we’ll start to feel better.

    Or one of us will snap and choke the fuck out of the next person in line, and hell, that’ll be fun too.

    • Laura says:

      1) I forget where I picked that up, but when I use it it means to make a U-turn.
      2) I say, suh, I didn’t intend to o-find.
      3) Good grief! That sounds like suckitude +10.
      4) “Drank the Kool-Aid…” ~snort~ You’re such a joiner. Still, BBT is the bomb.

      Thanks for the hugs, dear, seems many of us are suffering under some sort of mental ailment. It’s good to know I’m not alone, and that I have such good friends.

  2. I found, when I got into one of these phases (they used to last for weeks at a time) that I would have to completely dive into something to get out of it…almost obsess over it. It taught me how to focus on something else. Now, I can usually find a way to get myself out fo one of these funks in a day…maybe even eight hours. Writing helps me. I thought it was me writing about my issues and probelms that were helping me, but it was really only making things worse. Since I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and started attacking life, instead of letting it get the best of me, I have been doing a lot better.

    I hope you find your way out soon. 🙂

    • Laura says:

      I certainly do have enough to obsess over – my work and my hobbies keep me pretty darned busy. I don’t want to get to the point where I feel overwhelmed and start resenting them all, though, you know what I mean? Well, I already pretty much resent having to work, but I don’t want to end up resenting my hobbies.

  3. crisitunity says:

    That whole eye-migraine-thing is EFFED UP. I felt freaked out even as I was reading it, and I don’t know how you calmly went to the doctor’s and so on without running around in circles screaming.

    But then again, my biggest fear is going blind.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly. Remember, this too shall pass.

    (That sounded kind of flip, but I promise I’m squeezing your hand in spirit.)

  4. iamheatherjo says:

    My Mom used to get those migraines (and every other kind as well). She would describe them to me sometimes by saying that she was getting the “tv fuzz” and they made her so dizzy she would get sick. 😦

    Just wanted to pop in and give you some love.

  5. jadesymb says:

    I know! I’m the food person, but maybe it does all come down to food for you?
    MSG is what causes my moms migraines (normal? ones)

    **HUGS**

  6. Shelli says:

    OMG, that sounds EXACTLY how I described it when it first started happening to me back in 2007!! I kid you not! If I can find the blog I wrote it in, I’ll send it to you. It’s uncanny!

    Anyway, I described it as it’s like looking through a kaleidoscope. For me, it starts as almost a pinpoint, then “grows” until it obliterates my vision completely. Like you said, looking right at someone, and not being able to see them. It continues to “grow” until I can see directly in front of me, but NOTHING in my peripheral vision. All in all, it lasts about a half hour.

    The difference for me, is that as SOON as the vision clears up, I get a wicked migraine, complete with slurring of words and numbness in my face, arm and hand on one side of my body. I thought, the first time it happened, that I was having a stroke. After it happened 3 times in one week, I finally went to the ER, WHILE it was happening. They were stumped! I then went to my regular doc, who explained that it was an aura, associated with migraines, and that some people get them and some don’t.

    Then I was prescribed Topomax. I almost died because of the medicine, which I had an “adverse” reaction to. After that ordeal, I was put on Verapimil, which did reduce the amount of migraines/auras that I was having, but not by much. I finally saw a neurologist back in April of this year, who increased my dose of Verapimil, and put me on Magnesium Gluconate (has to be that specific combination). Since April, I’ve had … get this … 5 migraines!! That’s compared to 3 a week or more, before then!

    But my biggest concern is driving. Since the vision loss is so sudden and unpredictable, I refuse to drive anymore. I’m still terrified of it happening, and me having no time to react to it. So, that’s my story about just ONE of the many medical problems/disabilities that I have.

    I really hope you can get yours under control. I absolutely know what you’re feeling. If you need someone to vent to, just let me know. (honestly, I’m relieved to finally know of someone else this has happened to) *hugs* ’cause I know you need it. 🙂

    • Laura says:

      Hi Shelli, thanks for all the info. I’m hoping they won’t get any worse, because I’m hopeful I can just manage with Advil and not have to take yet another prescription. Driving does cause me some concern, because I haven’t learned the indicators that tell me a migraine is about to come on. Still, I doubt I’ll ever be in a circumstance where I couldn’t just pull over for a few minutes.

      • Shelli says:

        Unfortunately, I’ve never had an indicator when I’m about to lose my vision to a migraine. It just happens suddenly, no warning whatsoever. I get migraines with and without the “aura”, and when I get them without, there IS an indicator.

  7. Shelli says:

    Ok, I found a couple of my blogs. One is my health blogs, if you’re at all interested. In it, I describe the blindness in detail. http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.viewcustom&friendId=109715252&blogId=386835400&swapped=true

    The other is the first time I experienced it. I was in a funk, much like you are, and “took it out” on my keyboard, so to speak. http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.viewcustom&friendId=109715252&blogId=240903596&swapped=true

    • Laura says:

      Thanks! I shall head on over there!

      • Shelli says:

        I hope it wasn’t too wordy for ya. 😉 (or too depressing, gawd knows you don’t need any more depression!)

        • Laura says:

          😀 I could read the first but not the second, which was protected to “friends only”. Good heavens, you sure have been through a lot! You sound remarkably chipper, despite it all…

        • Shelli says:

          Oops, my apologies, I just fixed it, you should be able to see it now.

          And yes, I try to stay positive. I am a naturally cheery person, usually all smiles. But that deep dark side comes out all too often. In fact, I just spent the better part of the past 3 days in a pissy mood, and I don’t know why. Good thing my Husband knows when to talk to me, and when NOT to talk to me! LOL

  8. angelcel says:

    Depression does seem to deprive us of all will to do anything but lop around, yet as you say the solution is often to simply keep on keeping on. It’s the kick start that is the problem. For what it’s worth, I find if I can only get started with it, the physical activity of spring cleaning (and pre stroke, decorating) usually helps tremendously. *Doing* something physical and having the pleasure of seeing a pleasing end result is a big boost and does usually help to get me back on the straight and narrow. I hope you find a similar spark … maybe cooking?

    As for the migraine – that must have been very frightening and I’m guessing you’re still worried, until such time as you’ve seen an opthamologist. That concern won’t be helping matters.

    Hope you find your way out of the funk soon.

    • Laura says:

      Physical activity does help, it’s just getting myself over the hump to get started and get moving that’s the issue. I know once I gain some momentum the rest will fall into place. Feh, this isn’t the first time I’ve written an entry like this one, is it? 😀 Love to you, Jayne!

  9. Dyskinesia says:

    Can I just say that my husband sounded very Barney the Dinosaur with all that hugging? (Oh, I will pay for that.)

    Having lived years in said pajamas and zone, I totally get it. We still need to talk regimen; I’m sorry that I think I forgot to reply to that one in the past!

    I also think though that you’re in a fairly normal state for having the combo of stress, post cool vacation/100% time with your man let-down, and the DEARGODISN’TSUMMEROVERYET (particularly where you are). I know that we had a day – maybe even a few hours of A DAY – a couple of weeks ago where I went outside and smelled that breeze that comes by and says, no really, it’s almost fall. The one that smells like football and Halloween and cookouts and pumpkins – and it totally invigorated my spirit all of a sudden. I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed that until right that moment.

    That said, it’s okay. Sometimes you need to wallow in your pajamas, have everything handled by your spouse, and read yourself into a coma for a few days. Wallow, it’s allowed. Don’t abuse yourself for it. Tell the anxiety to friggin shut it by doing things that are good for you while you wallow. Wallowing doesn’t mean you don’t eat fruit or veggies; it means you do it in your jammies while ignoring the dirty dishes. You can still make good choices because you love yourself. We all certainly love you. 🙂 Your fall breeze is a’comin’. Promise.

    • Taoist Biker says:

      Referencing my comment above, I can STILL choke a muhfugga with these big purple mitten-hands, b’gawd.

    • Laura says:

      It’s cyclical, I know it is. Depression sets on like this a couple of times a year, and I’m betting two things are driving it. The weather, and homesickness. They work in tandem – that “smell” gets in the air and I can’t help but think of home. I’m sick of wallowing, though, which is a sure sign that I’m coming out of things. Thanks for your kindness, though – it is hard to recall that it’s OKAY to feel how I feel when I’m feeling it. As long as I don’t let the blues take over my entire life.

      And, hugs are good, no matter what color they come in. 😀

  10. Joanna says:

    I can completely relate to the vision problem. I started getting them in my early to mid thirties and have had them for roughly 20 years. They have never been followed by a headache although I feel extremely tired once they pass. They last about 20 minutes. Mine start in a corner of my field of vision and move upward in a diagonal pattern until they are gone. I can recognize the subtle changes in vision that signal the beginning. I hardly ever have them now but it was reassuring to find out it wasn’t a brain tumor or something hideous!!! Thanks for writing about this condition…being a boomer, I’m always happy to know I’m not having flashbacks!!! Love your blog!!!

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