Good grief, my head has been an absolute mess, lately. In more ways than one.
I’m having a tough time with depression and anxiety. I’ve completely forgotten how to manage my stress. I’ve been wanting to stay in bed for longer and longer periods of time, stay asleep for more and more hours of the day. Yesterday I stayed home sick from work (more on that in a minute). I slept until 8:00, had a doctor’s appointment at noon, took a nap at 4:00 and slept until after 6:00, then went to bed again at 10:00. Except for the doc’s appointment, I stayed in bed all day long. The sleeping was less because of my ailment, and more because of what ails me.
I find myself wanting to escape MORE into books, and movies, and TV, and just not spend any time at all thinking about anything whatsoever. I have no interest at all in getting out of my pajamas. I don’t want to go anywhere, don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to cook dinner, or do the chores, or manage any of the million little details of our lives (Calvin was awesome last night and did everything himself while I just sat on the couch and stared at the TV – I love him, have I mentioned that lately?). I just want to read, or sleep, or watch movies – all the while smashed up against Calvin and breathing in his scent. It’s the only thing that drives the bats out of my tummy, lately.
I know how to fix this, I do. Eat better, get a LOT more exercise, stick to my routine, and stay busy. Take my vitamins, give myself a pedicure, get outside now that the weather is getting cooler, and listen to more music. Most of all, WRITE. The solution is staring me right in the face, I just have to do it.
I’m all wallowing and shit. Time to flip a bitch and get headed back in the right direction, mentally.
So, yeah. I’m dealing with a highly entertaining and NEW ailment that I now get to whine about.
Last Friday as I was working along at my desk, my vision suddenly started going South on me. Way, waaaaay South. There were blank spots in my vision – I would look at a person straight in their face, be able to see their left eye clearly, but their right eye was completely gone. I’d only see half of a word in a sentence on my screen. It was really freaky and all Picasso and shit. Then things got psychedelic on me (without the acid, even!), and I’d see zig-zag lines along my peripheral vision, glowing with electric colors and outlining the things I was looking at. Nothing hurt – my eyes FELT fine, and I didn’t have a headache.
Consternated is a word that comes to mind, to describe how I was feeling. Jen walked with me down to AcronymCo’s in-house doctor’s office (full service and nicer than my own doctor’s office). I described the symptoms to the nurse, who was stumped. She gave me some Advil and had me lay in a dark room for about twenty minutes. I napped a little, and when she came back in and turned the lights back on, my vision was returning to normal.
Since I hadn’t eaten in the 24 hours prior to the incident (I’d had lunch at Micky D’s the day before, then forgot to eat dinner because Calvin was out of town and I drank a 5 Hour Energy and got busy doing stuff, THEN I skipped breakfast because I was anticipating a big Team Lunch), I chalked it up to hunger. Things got back to normal and my group went to Dave & Busters for a team building and we had a good time and I pretty much forgot it ever happened.
Until Monday night, while we were watching the season premier of The Big Bang Theory. It started happening all over again, with the blank spots and the wavy lines and the psychedelics. No eye pain, no headache. I told Calvin, who Googled the shit out of it and came up with everything from allergies to cancer. After about 20 minutes the symptoms went away again, but since it happened twice in a few days, I decided to make a doctor’s appointment.
Tuesday morning I woke up with a killer headache (unrelated to the weirdness, I think it was allergies or stress), so I decided to work from home for a half day, then go to the doc’s (who fit me in for a noon appointment), then rest my head and eyes for the rest of the day. I described all of my symptoms to the doctor, and she’s 99% certain that I’m experiencing ocular migraines. She recommended that I see an opthemologist to make sure it wasn’t anything more serious, but she was pretty sure of her diagnosis, and it’s nothing serious at all. I just need to take Advil and rest my eyes and hope that this shit doesn’t happen while I’m driving.
Man, it’s always something, isn’t it?