Posted: May 13, 2009 in bitching, Drama, Headspace, work, WTF

daffyThat right there, my friends, is my most favoritest word EVER. With eleven “U’s”, even (and how many of you counted ’em?). With all of the words in the English language at my disposal, that one up there is THE WORD OF WORDS.

It made me feel enormously better, just typing that title up there. But only for a minute.

Things are so fucked right now. I’m on DAY TWO of a continuous panic attack that started during our staff meeting YESTERDAY, and hasn’t let up, and probably won’t let up for a week. You see, layoff announcements are scheduled for next Monday, and our manager is supposed to hold individual meetings with each person in our group over Monday and Tuesday. You know, to let us know if we’re in the way of the layoff guillotine, or if we’ve made it through another round with only our sanity scathed.

Yes, we’ve known it’s been coming since, oh, January or February. But IT’S HEEEERE, now, thus my totally amp’ed anxiety level. I want to stress eat like a bitch, and that crack whore of a Little Debbie has the NERVE to create escapism heaven in a box of Nutty Bars. I’ve only eaten two out of the box since Sunday, which is me putting on the BRAKES OF WILLPOWER STEEL on my temptation to just say, “Fuck it” and eat the whole damned box in one sitting.

How many Xanax in a 24-hour period is too many, I wonder?

I was a total zombie when I got home from work yesterday. Calvin wasn’t home yet, so I fed and soaked the lizards. Then he got home and saw just WHAT a mood I was in, and decided to give me space (other than a lovely long and MUCH NEEDED hug). I folded and/or hung up ALL the laundry (like, two weeks’ worth) and put it all away. Midway through folding the laundry I took a Xanax because I felt like I was going to leap out of my skin and go gibbering – skinless, mind you – around the house like a lunatic. I cleaned the kitchen. I made dinner. I flopped down on the couch and ate and watched Fringe, followed by Deadliest Catch. I toyed with the idea of taking a bubble bath but decided to just take a couple of Tylenol PM and try to pass out.

I woke up this morning with a hard knot of panic in my stomach. I couldn’t take a Xanax first thing – I’d be asleep at my desk by 8:30. So I got up, put on some workout clothes, and did a half-hour on the elliptical before work (as promised, Kim!). Which didn’t really do anything for my anxiety level, but did make me hungrier ‘n a motherfucker by the time I got to my desk and had my sprouted bread and cream cheese.

None of my anxiety management techniques are working – NONE of them. Not even this one of writing myself out. The only cure is to get on the other side of next week and finally know if I’m keeping my job or if I’m screwed. I waffle between being absolutely convinced that I’m getting laid off, to being reasonably sure that I’m not. I can play both scenarios in my head with startling clarity.

Either way, I’ll probably cry in front of my boss when he tells me which way things are going. Cry, or throw up. I WAS just going to bring tissues with me, in case I needed them. Now I probably should figure out how to smuggle a basin into the conference room with some sort of subtlety. Though, hah, if he lays me off I’m sure I won’t feel all that bad about spattering his shoes.

Eh, that’s not right. If I get laid off it won’t be HIS fault, since the decision, right down to the specific people getting cut, is coming from the Higher Ups. He just gets to deliver the happy message.

Hmm. Perhaps he’s even more fucked than I am.

Tonight, bereft of any chores to do (oh, I’m sure I could find something, but I assure you I don’t plan to look very hard) I’ll do some strength training, and probably take that delayed bubble bath. Maybe get caught up on a couple of episodes of Dexter. You know, compare MY bad day to any one of his victims. That’ll make me feel better.

This entry has been brought to you by the letter “F”.

Thanks for listening.

  1. iamheatherjo says:

    I’m sorry sweetie. I hope everything goes well for you. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Maybe it IS better when they just surprise you with it the day they are letting you go. I always thought some notice would be nice so I could start looking for another job, but it might have just made me insane with the waiting. Perhaps I’m just a “rip the band-aid off quick” kinda gal?

    Also? A very strange (and eerie, I’m told) calm has come over me when I’ve been delivered this kind of bad news. Paul told me I scared the crap out of one of our bosses when they delivered the news. I liked that. So no matter the news…try not to cry. Scare ’em instead. 😉

    • Laura says:

      Hah! Since when has Hello Kitty scared anybody? (This comment posted to circumvent the one by Calvin that was sure to arrive, which would have said close to the same thing.)

  2. jadesymb says:

    I do think our group will be fine. try not to stress. nothing we can do at this point anyway.


  3. Lana says:

    Breatheeeee !!!

    Ryan and I are gonna be crossing fingers for ya.

    ♥ Hugs ♥

  4. Amanda says:

    Yeah, that sucks, knowing that news of some sort is on its way, but not knowing whether it’s good or bad.

    Just know that you and Calvin are smart, hard-working people. Think about all of the obstacles you have overcome during your life. You can handle it, and no matter what, everything will be okay.

  5. Yikes. These are tough times…bad for everyone. It is hard to be productive in that atmosphere. I am wondering why they handled it this way…letting the word out doesn’t help.

    I wish you guys the best.

  6. angelcel says:

    Sorry about this. I’m with MTAE – this is not the way to go about things at all. Thinking of you…

  7. crisitunity says:

    Hugs to you. I know how this feels.

    When I was in college, I was whining to my mom about the most RIDICULOUS cold I’d ever had, which lasted for two weeks and seriously made me feel like I was going to die, and I asked her if I should go to the hospital. She was in no mood to give me sympathy, and she said, look, it’s a series of either-or arguments. You can either go to the hospital, or not. If you go to the hospital, you’ll get better, or you won’t. If you get better, great. If not, you’ll get worse. If you get worse, you’ll either die, or you won’t. If you don’t die, great. But because at each of these flow chart pieces, the “worse” direction is unlikely, dying is incredibly unlikely.

    I do NOT NOT NOT think you’re whining (NOT), but I am telling you that a little of this either-or, black-and-white flow-chart-ism might help you calm your anxiety. You’ll either get laid off, or you won’t. If you don’t, great; if you do, I am SURE you’ll figure something out. In any case, the possibility of death is incredibly unlikely.

    • Laura says:

      Ahhh, my friend with the perspective! You’re right, we WON’T die from this. Beyond that, everything is golden. You’re awesome!

  8. Kim says:

    I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but all I can think of are cliche’s and platitudes. I like the way you described visualizing either scenario with such clarity – that’s me completely in situations like this.
    And it sucks when the Xanax doesn’t even help! Been there too.
    All I can suggest is what you’re already doing – try to stay as busy as possible until next week and just fucking exhaust yourself during the day so you have a chance of sleeping well at night – I know from experience lack of sleep on top of stress is a recipe for disaster.
    Thank you for being my long-distance exercise buddy; and YES – I forgot how hungry working out in the morning makes me!!! Time to stock back up on yogurt and cereal bars!
    My thoughts are with you and I hope everything turns out okay.

    • Laura says:

      I know, we’re all looking at each other in our group with no words of comfort for one another, because it’s all been said, and we’re all in the same boat. Wine with a Xanax and Tylenol PM chaser seems to be doing the trick. I’m going to come out of this an addicted mess, I bet.

  9. farmwife says:

    Now Laura, you know darn well that getting all worked up about this is doing nothing good.
    Take a deep breath, and then another. Your body certainly doesn’t need the stress.

    YOU have no control over this, so just roll with the punches. You’ll either keep your job, or not. Either way, not the end of the world. In fact, it’s way down the list of truly terrible things, right?

    I worked for a defense contractor (in Phx!) in the 90’s — I know *exactly* how you feel. But really, there is no point in worrying about the things that you cannot control. Life is too short! As I tell my kids — things will work out, they always do 🙂

    • Laura says:

      I know, and you’re right on all counts. Still, being reminded that everything will work out eventually doesn’t take away the knot in that’s my stomach NOW. Le sigh!

  10. Taoist Biker says:

    Damn it, I hate walking in the shadow of the guillotine like that.

    Now I’m feeling bad that I haven’t gotten that Smash the World disc started sooner. Maybe I should carve out some time to blip you a few things.

  11. […] I’m winging some good thoughts toward the southwest – if you have some spare happy thoughts today, maybe you could send them that way too. […]

  12. maleesha says:

    Holy cannoli! I think the only thing worse than getting laid off would be to have to THINK about getting laid off all week before it actually happens! I hope it doesn’t. My therapist…I mean, “special friend”, says that she is seeing more and more people having complete meltdowns over their jobs and finances lately. I’m sorry, and I hope that you get good news.

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