I don’t get me.

Posted: April 22, 2009 in Calvin, Headspace, work, WTF

unravelableI’m happy to be at work, which is just weird.

I was supposed to have jury duty today. I responded to the summons that I would be able to attend, informed my boss and anybody else who cared (read: nobody), lined up my back-up, and left work yesterday all covered to spend a day away. This is more problematic than usual, this week, since one of my programs went into limited deployment, and the other one is still in stabilization. All THAT means is that Laura gets e-mailed and called a lot to fight fires.

I was feeling crappy when I got home – apparently the lasagna I had for lunch didn’t sit well with me. I sat on the couch and stared at the phone for a second, then said, “Screw it,” and called five different numbers until I reached a human that could grant me a 60-day extension on my jury duty. So. I was excused from jury duty, I had a planned day off from work that I could use mostly guilt-free, and yet I couldn’t get excited about it. Really, the thought of having the day stretch before me, hanging around the house with nothing planned, depressed me.

I ordered “Mama Mia” from On Demand – a movie I had to save to watch until Calvin was away. Though I thought the movie was cute, even that prolific and flamboyant exposure to Abba tunes failed to cheer me up. To top it off, while talking to Calvin on the phone (he was at a bar in Flagstaff having dinner and drinking whisky), I was gripped with a PAINFUL longing to just say, “Fuck it,” drive the two hours up north, spend the night with Calvin, and drive back down again in the morning. I wanted to be there WITH him, people-watching, basking in the cool weather (we hit 101 yesterday, while it was 70 in Flagstaff), and having the warm-fuzzy conversation we were enjoying IN PERSON.

This is the part where I re-confirm that Calvin is really REALLY good for me. I told him how I was feeling. He told me to get off the phone, get my butt off the couch, and get moving. Do something. Work out. He’s extremely cognizant of how important a stable routine is for me (he’s a fellow sufferer when his routine is interrupted), so he also told me, since I was blowing off jury duty, to get up and come into work today. Head up, keep moving, and don’t give myself the chance to wallow.

And he was right. It was WEIRD how, when I made the decision to come into work after all (and e-mailed my boss so I couldn’t talk myself back out of it), I felt SO MUCH BETTER.


So. Here I am on a teleconference. I’m handling stabilization issues right and left. Tedious tasks are piling up in my in-box. And yet I’m FINE with it.

I don’t understand myself, sometimes. My own brain has an amazing ability to baffle the fuck outta me.

Also, and you can mock me and call me needy if you want to, but REALLY. One week without Calvin is my limit. He’s still gone, and that’s just bullshit.

  1. iamheatherjo says:

    >>you can mock me and call me needy if you want to

    Was that directed at ME, cupcake? Can I help it if you guys are just…icky. Adn I can say that because I love you both, so raspberry away, my sweet. Hee! 😉

    I’m somewhat the opposite in that when things are routine, I go batshit. I feel clausterphobic and want to crawl out of my skin. That’s the way my stupid brain picks on me. “Things are going too smoothly, let’s fuck some shit up!”

  2. Laura says:

    Yes, I did have you in mind when I wrote that, actually. We’re not icky! You’re just jealous YOU can’t snoofie snoofie with Calvin. ~grin~

    Usually I react the way you describe – the whole rut-stuck thing drives me nuts, usually. But this time it was a comfort. Go figure.

  3. Kami-O says:

    If I was closer to ya I’d keep ya busy…Funny thing is that I’m the same way but I know to keep my busy…too busy most times!

  4. Kim says:

    I don’t think it’s that weird. While it’s true sometimes the daily grind of being cooped up in an office all day makes me crazy, I know I need that routine to stay sane. During the few times I’ve been unemployed for more than a couple of weeks I start to go to scary places in my head and feel guilty that I’m home during a weekday. Doesn’t bode well for when and if I ever get a chance to retire. Luckily the way the economy and my personal finances are going, that shouldn’t be an issue.

    • Laura says:

      I JUST got done leaving a comment on your site! We’re attached at the braaaaaaiinnnnnsss…

      Yes, I think it was the lifting of the guilt (guilt of not going to jury duty, guilt of not going to work) that made me feel better. Damn, you’d think I was Catholic!

  5. Amanda says:

    I find that when Neal is away, I enjoy going to work more. Sunday nights actually make me *happy* because I’m going to work the next day, it’s the beginning of a new work week, etc. It’s the distraction. It’s the fact that from 8 till 4 Monday through Friday, I wouldn’t see Neal anyway, even if he was around. When I’m at home, I can’t help but notice that he’s not here.

    So yeah, Calvin is good for you! Not that that’s news, of course!

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