All whine, no cheese. Mmmm… cheese.

Posted: April 18, 2009 in Calvin, Headspace, Your Opinion Matters

This is the webcam image from Acadia National Park this morning:


I would give my LEFT NUT to be there right now. You know, if I had nuts.


So, Calvin made it home safe and sound yesterday, a couple of hours past his scheduled arrival time. Seems a certain intrepid baggage handler drove the baggage truck into the airplane Calvin was on (can you say, FIRED?), and put a good sized HOLE in said airplane, right before everything was buttoned up for take-off. So they had to offload all of the passengers, offload all of the baggage, find another airplane, RE-load all of the baggage, and RE-load all of the passengers.

Suffice to say, all of the delayed passengers were okay with the whole switcheroo, since HI, airplane with no holes = okey dokey artichokey.

He called me on my cell when he landed. I was just getting onto the elevator in the parking garage at the airport. I told him I’d meet him in baggage claim, and stood by the escalators watching people come into view feet-first as they descended (“The escalator is ending. Please watch your step. The escalator is ending. Please watch your step. The escalator is ending. Please watch your step.”). When he finally came into view my heart did that glad little patter that you just can’t fake – I’m still in love with the guy, after all these years.


Despite the fact that Calvin is home again, this morning I find myself struggling with the blues. It’s always a crap shoot, with me. Will my anxiety rear its head today, or will I have to deal with depression? It’s usually one or the other – sometimes both, which is conflicting, to say the least (“I’m hyper! But I’m sad! I want to sleep all day! But running around the block sounds nice! The world is coming to an end! But this blanket is so cocoony! I’m not hungry! But let’s eat everything in the house anyway!”). But rarely do I have a day when I’m not dealing with SOME sort of mind fuck, at least to some slight degree.

Today, it appears to be depression’s turn.

Since going off meds (which used to deal with things FOR me, bless ’em), I have discovered that I have two ways in which I am naturally inclined to deal with my depression. Method #1: Wallow wallow wallow, sleep all day, avoid life in general, and eat Very Bad Things. Method #2: Get hyperactive, clean the house until my brains leak out of my ears, or find some other project type thing that has little intrinsic value other than to keep me distracted.

So far today, with the exception of the eating of bad things (I’ve only had coffee thus far), I tried Method #1. I woke up just before seven, but lolled about in bed until nine. I wanted to go back to sleep but couldn’t. My brain wandered around in search of a place to land. I got extremely pissed off at the cats, who were taking turns coming into the bedroom and reminding me that they hadn’t been fed yet (despite the fact that they have a full bowl of dry food – why have cereal when you can get someone to make you Liver Surprise?). I had a great big huge pity party of one, which may or may not have involved some silent brain screaming.

I finally gave up the whole sleep all day idea, and got up. Made the coffee, fed the (GOD DAMN) cats, topped off the dogs’ water bowl, and gave the lizards their morning greens. Futzed around on TweetDeck, checked my e-mail, checked my feed reader. Drank some coffee. Sighed.

(Calvin’s still asleep, otherwise he’d be complaining that I’m, “sucking up all the oxygen”. I guess I sigh a lot.)

And here I sit, with this entry that’s going nowhere except to demonstrate to the Internet At Large that I have a fucked up brain.

I’m going to give Method #2 a shot, and spend some time today getting the upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms in order. They haven’t had a REALLY good cleaning/organizing since the kids moved out last year. They’re just presentable enough not to have, like, creatures growing in dark corners and whatnot. It would be nice to know that if we ever had a surprise house guest, we’d at least have a decent bedroom to put them up in. In which to put them up? Something.

There’s also a good solid workout on my agenda. I’ve been surprising myself at how well I’ve been sticking to the whole exercise thing – better than my diet anyway (hello, sliders and french fries and beer (oh my!) at Jersey’s last night). Eventually, some switch will be thrown over in my body’s internal mechanisms, and I’ll start actually losing a measurable amount of weight! Dammit.

Okay, looks like “Method #3 – Write Myself Out” has gotten me over the hump. I’d love to hear from you guys, though. When you know you need to change the mood you’re in (depression, anxiety, anger, sadness, whatever’s going on) what do YOU do?

  1. Kim says:

    I’ll get this out of the way first: “okie dokie artichokie” – HAHAHAHA!!! HA! *snort* *fart* HAAA! Ah, thank you, I needed that.
    Very thoughtful and interesting post; it almost seemed like I was there listening to you talk off the top of your head what was going through your mind right then which are my favorite kinds of posts, because blogs are nothing if not food for our voyeuristic souls.
    I’ve never been diagnosed with depression (I play for the Anxiety team and we’re usually too nervous to slow down enough to think about whether we’re depressed) but I feel I must have at least a twinge of it – why else would I be thinking every once in awhile “What’s the point of all this stupidity; let me take a 20 hour nap to contemplate it.”
    I hate to admit that that’s how I normally deal with it, by sleeping it off, but that’s the truth. But I’ve also found recently that by exercising, most often in the form of taking the dog on such a long walk that by the end of it he’s looking at me like I’m an asshole – that seems to get the endorphins alive and kicking enough to get me over it for the time being.
    One benefit of taking the manic route is at the end of it all if you don’t feel any better, at least you get to be in a clean house. I need to maybe look into that.
    I hope your day is a good one.

    • Laura says:

      Heh. That was a line from “Two and a Half Men” that just stuck with us.

      I was talking off of the top of my head – I can’t seem to think in a linear fashion when my brain is as it was on Saturday. I’m glad you “got” me. Also, I’ll quite willingly pinch hit for your Anxiety team any time you want.

      I did take a nap on Saturday, but felt better when I woke up. Then Calvin got me out of the house, which helped even more. Thank God I have a husband who is attuned to what I need – or, what my idiotic brain needs, sometimes.

  2. boundandgags says:

    I’ve had some awesome times in Bar Harbor. What a great place.

    My daily life has so many frantic people around me I tend to play ringmaster. About an hour ago a guy had a panic attack and flip the fuck out. I asked what he wanted me to do and he had no solution so I told him I’d give him two.

    “Stay here and piss your pants or follow me out of the building.”

    I think chose both.

    I can always tell when friends are having problems because they stop by. No one ever visits me with a six pack and a pizza. No! They want to talk! And potentially drink all my beer.

    I’m sure my method of support (laugh at them) would not be work for everyone but, knowing these people, it’s what they’re looking for.

    Laughing is a good thing. Throw on some Russell Brand and let him enthrall you with tales from his genitals!

    • Laura says:

      It IS lovely there, isn’t it? Plus the seafood is To. Die. For. Helps that it was swimming around less than a hour before it hits the plate.

      I would totally stop by with a six pack and a pizza, AND make you talk to me. AND let you laugh at me. I’d go away feeling a lot better, I suspect.

      We ended up watching Role Models, so we got our laugh on!

  3. crisitunity says:

    I tend to do repetitive or habitual things when I’m depressed or anxious – I watch bad movies over and over, I read some old book that gave me comfort when I was 14, I eat crackers one after the other (slowly, so the sensation is the same for a lot of minutes). To snap myself out of the mood, I snap myself out of the behavior – I do something completely different, something I rarely do. I do my chores the day before I technically have to do them. I get off the couch and go clean something in the garage. I read a new book or watch a new movie or go for a walk. Today I went to a nearby park and swung on the swings.

    I don’t know if you do this routine-ing thing when you’re in the dumps, but I always find that changing the routine, whether I want to or not (of course I never, ever WANT to do any of these things), usually helps.

    I hope you feel better. Those blues-without-meaning are the worst.

    • Laura says:

      You know, I AM like that. I picked up a book that I’ve read a hundred times, because of the comfort factor. I never thought of it like that, but you’re right, I do lean on routine things when I feel like I did on Saturday. GOD, I love having a blog. The friends I’ve gained give me such great insight, sometimes. THANKS!

  4. I like to load my own ammunition…just kidding. But it would be what I would like to do. Sometimes, I want to be in a bad mood, but when I want to get out of one, I like to watch some other people be funny. I have some really funny shows like “The Office” that I save for mood changers…we haev them on the Netflix player and I am on season three right now. Four or five of those episodes really work for me…

    • Laura says:

      Heh. We’ve got plenty of ammo, thanks.

      Lots of folks have suggested the humor thing, which is kind of DUH when you think about it. It helps to have you guys smack me upside the head with the obvious, sometimes. We rented a couple of funny movies, and VOILA! Third guffaw into things, we were feeling better.

  5. iamheatherjo says:

    When I’m down it can go a lot of different ways.

    I call everyone until I find someone that wants to go outside and play with me. Being with my friends and being outside always help my disposition. (Jasper ALWAYS was ready to play outside with me.)

    I take myself to a park or the beach and just walk or sit by myself. I went to the beach this winter when it first snowed and it had the same calming effect on me even though I was chilly. Strangely enough, I take myself to cemeteries as well.

    When it’s really bad, I withdraw from pretty much everyone but my pets. I stay close to home until I can work through my shit. This doesn’t last long because eventually the people close to me know my routine and when they realize I’m hiding…they come get me.

    I hope you feel better soon, sweet girl. If you would like me to call and sing ‘You Are My Sunshine’ just say the word. I ruff roo.

    • Laura says:

      Apparently, I need to move to your neck of the woods. There just seems to be no place to GO (like the beach) that speaks to my spirit, around here. There’s at least fifty things I can list off the top of my head, in Maine.

      I like the peace you can find in cemeteries, too. All the old tombstones and old-fashioned inscriptions. Plus they tend to be green and filled with trees. Well, the good ones are, anyway.

      Heh. I saved the last “Sunshine” voicemail you left me… what, a year ago, now? More? I ruff roo, too!!!

  6. Jeanette says:

    I have yet to figure out what the fuck to do to pull myself out of a funk, which seems to be more and more these days due to major job stress! I just do a little bit of everything I guess. I exercise when I can get the ambition, I read, listen to music, watch tv, clean (once again, when I can get the ambition), have a little pity party…whatever intil it passes eventually! Sure would like to find something that works right away. Hope your feeling better today, Laura.

    • Laura says:

      You know, I was told once to just ALLOW myself to be in the funk. It was my mind’s way of dealing with whatever emotion or situation was going on (stress, fatigue, sadness, etc.). Seems we as a culture feel like we have to be upbeat and positive all the time, otherwise something is Very Wrong with us. But you know? It’s healthy to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, as long as the blues don’t bring you down for too long, or progress to something distructive.

  7. Taoist Biker says:

    Hopefully you’re cheered up by now. If not, a cyber-mooning? (!)

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