Last night I got a call from our medical insurance company, who wanted me to participate in a survey to rate my experience during a recent phone call I made to them (I was confused on “deductible” vs. “total out of pocket”). Calvin, sitting on the couch next to me, asked me several times, “Who is it?” I waved at him to shoooooooosh, which never sits well with my husband. The following is a mostly-accurate account of what ensued:
Me: “Sure, I’ll take your survey.”
Insurance Chickie: “The following questions can all be rated on a scale of one to five, one being poor, five being excellent. Simply say the number that indicates your satisfaction level.”
Me: “Got it.”
Calvin: “Who is it? What do they want?”
Me: *waives at Calvin to shoooooooosh*
Calvin: “NO! HANG UP ON THEM! HEY! WHO ARE YOU??? WHO ARE YOU???”
Insurance Chickie: “What would you say your operator’s level of expertise was regarding the issue you called about?”
Me: “Five.”
Calvin: “Five WHAT?”
Me: *waives at Calvin to shoooooooosh*
Insurance Chickie: “What would you say your operator’s level of professionalism was during your call?”
Me: “Five.”
Calvin: “Hey. HEY! Don’t make me Narfle the Garthok!”
Me: *stifles a laugh, tries valiantly to pay attention*
Insurance Chickie: “How would you rate the completeness of the information provided to you?”
Me: “Five.”
Calvin: “Five dollar. Five dollar footlong!”
Insurance Chickie: “How likely would you be to refer another person to our insurance company?”
Me: *now more interested in what Calvin is going to say next* “Five.”
Calvin: “Say “five” again. Say “five” again! I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! Say “five” one more goddamn time!”
Me: *starts to tear up a little*
Insurance Chickie: “How would you rate the operator’s ability to explain things in a way that was easy to understand?”
Me: *bracing* “Five.”
Calvin: “Hey! That’s the exact number of times she’s stuck Cheeto up the butt with a Q-Tip!”
Me: *totally loses it, starts cracking up, tries to apologize to the lady on the phone, can’t get the words out, somehow finished the survey, then beat Calvin about the head and shoulders with the phone*
Snerkology 
You know, Jimmy used to mess with me when I was on the phone at work ALL THE TIME and once I was re-doing my outgoing message. A message I didn’t think saved until you pressed the appropriate number once you were satisfied with it.
Jimmy messed me up and I called him a shithead and I beat him with the phone.
It might have been Calvin who finally called me to say “Uhhh…you might want to change your outgoing message. I can hear you beating the shit out of Jimmy.”
BWAAA! That’s AWESOME! Aww, I miss Jimmy.
Wow; I’m trying to picture myself in the same situation and what I would do should Brian ever lose his mind and do that to me…and I can’t come up with anything that I would want on record should the need ever arise for me to cover all my tracks!
WHY HAVEN’T YOU UPDATED YET???
Also, we have solidarity, sister! I’d never tell. I’ll be your alibi.
Okay, I’ve never loved your husband more than I do right now. Srsly.
(and omg did I desperately need that laugh)
I’m sure Calvin will have some frisky comment to that. I hope you’re feeling better!
All you had to do was tell me who was on the phone.
It did turn out to be one of the best spontaneous funny moments.
“Okay, I’ve never loved your husband more than I do right now. Srsly.”
Those bastards told me that video would only be released in Asia!
I got one of those same calls many months ago. BF came out of the computer room and said “Who is it?” I flapped my hand at him, and he shrugged and went back into the computer room. After I was done, he called “So who was that? Why did you say ‘five’ so many times?”
Honestly, I think you and I are both about equally lucky.
I think towards the end there I wasn’t really even listening to her questions. I was just saying “five” to see what Calvin would say next.
I’m just amazed you took the time to do the survey. I would have put the phone down by the time she’s said “Can you…..”
Eh, it’s a mood thing. I rarely participate, but for some reason I decided to that night. See what an opportunity would have passed me by had I hung up on her?
Bwahahahaha. Wow, sometimes those obnoxious moments are funny. Unless you live with my husband, then you find yourself waiting for the right moment to push him down the stairs. Haha. Kidding… sort of.
Well, at least we know he and Calvin will get along when we leave ’em at home to go to the bar!
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