Super Bowl Footblog – A Streaming Entry

Posted: February 1, 2009 in Arizona, best things, TV, WTF

cards2I lied. I couldn’t wait until half-time.

“How ’bout we stop buying Bud Light for every meeting?” I totally called it when I yelled, “Oh, throw him out the damn window!”

Oh, another movie I’m going to see. “Angels and Demons”. The book was better than “The DaVinci Code”. I’m looking forward to it. And that was a righteous Audi commercial with Jason Statham.

YES! Good call Ken!!!! The Steelers were short of the goal and the challenge held the Steelers to a field goal. Now, watch for the fake, guys… Despite Calvin’s “MISS! MISS!”, he (the kicker) made it (the extra point).

(This entry is not going to make a lot of sense to those people who didn’t watch this same broadcast right along with us. Sorry ’bout that. Maybe you’ll watch next year, now. Heh.)

Really? They’re doing a movie of, “Land of the Lost”? Seems Hollywood bought up a lot of the Super Bowl advertising opportunities. Eh, if anybody can afford it…

I wonder why they insist on using roman numerals? XLIII is a little confusing. What will we do when they get to MDCCCLXXXVIII?

Dammit, we’re punting. And it was a bad one. NOT an auspicous beginning, but we have time. We have time.

“Year One”. Yeah, no.

Fuck. Almost the end of the first quarter and we’ve got nothing, so far. There’s been a ton of holding on the Steelers side, and no calls from the refs. It’s gonna be one of those games. Calvin is starting to get PISSED RIGHT THE HELL OFF.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head commercial. Heh. And, huh. The original cast of “The Fast and the Furious” is back for the next movie. I didn’t see any of the other ones outside of the original (thank the good Lord). I might watch this one for Vin.

Ew, dude kissed a chimp.

I love whiskey. Have I mentioned? And I hate John Madden at the moment. COME ON BOYS, HOLD THEM OFF. THIRD AND GOAL. And… a timeout.

Matt Lauer and Will Ferrell. OH THE HARS. Still, not sure I’m going to see “Land of the Lost”. Okay, he just said, “Matt Lauer can eat it.” I’m going to rent it, at least.

Fuck. Touchdown Steelers. Fuck. Calvin’s saying “That’s game,” already, even before the end of the first quarter. He thinks this is the “old” Cardinals who have shown up for this game, and they’ve never come from behind to win. Except for, well, the DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP GAME where they were behind the Eagles in the fourth quarter and made it back to win.

I love the Bud commercials with the Clydesdales. LOVE.

What is with the Cards and their fumblefingers today???? Calvin’s cynisicm knows no bounds.

YES. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NEW STAR TREK MOVIE. ALL CAPS APPLY HERE.

I think Leinart is listening to his iPod.

I think Breaston doesn’t get enough credit.

FUCK I WISH MADDEN WOULD SHUT THE HELL UP. ALL CAPS APPLY HERE. Why don’t we the viewers get to vote on who commentates our Super Bowl?

I’m yelling, “Git! Git!” I don’t think they hear me. What, like we’re the only ones holding? They’re not calling it on both sides of the ball and that’s just bullshit.

Thank God for greyhounds. I’m referring to the drink, not the puppy.

Go Breaston. Oooohhh, head-on collision. Second down and seven.

TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! Beautiful. And I love Neil Rackers.

I call “boo” on the Cars.com commercial.

Calvin: “Smash him! Turnover! Something! GODDAMMIT!”

SHUT. UP. MADDEN. Jaysus, is he sucking the Steelers’ dick.

(Hi, this entry is rated PG-13 for Adult Language and Alcohol Consuption.)

Jesus, are they going to finally call holding on the Steelers? YES. FINALLY. It’s about time.

Fuck. And we just gave the pentalty right back with our encroachment.

I should have made a drinking game out of Calvin’s, “SMASH HIM.” Eh, I’m drinking enough without it.

And there goes Breaston with the big play again! I call him game MVP.

Shit. First sack for Warner. Dude gets hit too much. He needs to converse with his protection in Ye Olde Locker Room at half-time.

Time out AZ. 2:59 to go in the half. You know, for those of you following along at home.

What is it about those talking baby commercials? I laugh every time. And now Calvin has put on his 3-D glasses and said out LOUD, “Hey, these glasses suck. Everything’s messed up.” Um, yeah, because what you’re looking at ISN’T IN 3-D. No more for you, dear.

Fuck. Punting. (I say “fuck” a lot.)

False start on Arizona? Way to finish the half, guys! This is rookie shit, right here. Cut it out.

Nice D, though. About time. No fair catch.

Yep, I’m gonna watch “Up”.

You know, I’ve never drank (drunk? getting there…) Bud Light out of a blue bottle. Yet they’re all over the commercials.

We got short ribs from Chili’s, I made taco soup, and we got a metric ton of munchies at the store yesterday. We’re having a MUCH better time than we would have had at the bar. Plus, we can wear our jammies.

YES! PICK! INTERCEPTION at the two-minute warning. A MUCH better way to out of the half.

“No one wants to see you naked!” WHOA. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? Wow.

I said, “Go, Jay!” Calvin said, simultaneously, “Fuck Jay. He’s got some cool-ass cars, though.” Heh. He’s just jealous.

Is it wrong that I’d rather pee during the regular game than during the commercials?

Now I’m ready to call, “That’s game.” A 100-yard interception return by the Steelers. The longest play in NFL history, and it’s against the Cardinals. Of course. Of COURSE.

Booth Review. So we wait.

Calvin thinks they’re going to give it to ’em…

I. Hate. Madden…

And the ruling on the field stands. Touchdown. We’re fucked. Figures. 17-7 at the half.

OK, half-time!

Time for the 3-D glasses, which we have for the “Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D Event of the Year” – with a commercial for “Monsters vs. Aliens” (which we will go to see), Sobe, and “Chuck” (one of the few TV shows we DON’T watch). Courtesy of AcronymCo. Are you paying attention, readers? I just revealed a huge secret, here. Heh. Let’s just see how many people are actually reading this whole thing.

Dear Commentators,

SHUT IT.

Love, Laura

I don’t believe they should be allowed to show previously-aired commercials during the Super Bowl. Seem ’em. Don’t care.

“I knew it. I knew he was one of us.” Har.

Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!

Put the chicken fingers down? Wha?

I’m alive, Bruce! I’m alive! Oh, dear, I didn’t think he was gonna get back up from that laid-back kneel he just did. They still kick HELLA ass. I love bands that have a horns section.

YES. They’re playing, “Born to Run”, my second-favorite Bruce tune (my first being “Waiting on a Sunny Day”). I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. “Tramps like us, baby were born to run!” God love that sax player.

Oh, now he’s bringing out the gospel singers. Look out. Don’t know this song, but it’s very up-lifty!

YES. My THIRD most favorite Bruce tune, “Glory Days”. I love Steve Van Zant!!!!! Oh, I’m in my happy place right now. Calvin is hand-feeding me bites of rib and THIS song is playing. “Woo!”

It’s Boss Time!!!!

MAN. They did a goooood job. “I’m goin’ to Disneyland!”

Okay. They’re going overboard with the Toyota Tundra commercials.

I love William Shatner. An Asian guy doing a Shatner impersonation = television gold.

“What happened to your butt?” BWAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA.

What, Obama has time to do an interview on the Today Show already? I didn’t notice that the economy is fixed, yet. You won, Obama! The campaign is over. “Matt Lauer can eat it.”

Shut it, Madden.

Man, another looooong half to go.

Calvin’s general advice for any running play is, “Hold the ball.”

Oh, walk it off, Boldon. That’s right, boys, go with what ya know.

Calvin is wondering why he ever liked Madden. I could have done a drinking game with, “ya know”. Good think I don’t need no stinkin’ drinkin’ game. Urp.

Good thing Calvin has tomorrow off.

Wow. I just YELLED, “COME ON! WHAT THE FUCK!” Shit Fuck Hell. A turnover. They better fucking challenge it, dammit. It was incomplete.

Wow. Looks like I’m going to Denny’s on Tuesday.

THANK GOD. The ruling is an incomplete pass. 4th and 6, which still doesn’t do anything for us because we have to punt, but whatever. Geez, Wizenhunt can call another challenge because he’s 2 for 2 on challenges this quarter. Awesome. Didn’t know that about the new rules.

I. LOVE. CLYDESDALES.

I. LOVE. THE. ROCK. YES. RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN. Let’s hear it for nostalgia movies. That’s awesome.

I didn’t remember that Cuba Gooding Jr. played an Arizona Cardinal in “Jerry McGuire”.

Out goes the weekend trash. Loooots of beer bottles. Urp.

Darnit. I had high hopes for this game, but I guess an AZ win is just not meant to be. It was too much to hope for, I guess. I must admit, though, sometimes I wonder if the refs are on the take.

I will watch the next “Transformers” movie. I have a feeling it’s going to be The Empire Strikes Back-esque, with the heroes appearing to lose in the second movie before triumphing in the third movie.

I might kill someone if this Career Builder commercial doesn’t end soon. I’m not a lover of the “Groundhog Day” experience.

Okay, the Coke commercial with all the insects was clever. And our stupid cable keeps pixellating.

Heh. Every time I hear, “Move the chains,” I think of that SNL skit of a couple of weeks ago. Or was it a couple of years ago, and it was on their Sports Special? Something.

OH MY GOD, THEY’RE KILLING OFF JACK. AND I DON’T MEAN 24.

Beginning of the 4th quarter. I don’t have high hopes. After all, the Steelers haven’t been called on holding all day. I think it’s a conspiracy.

JUMP, motherfucker. What the hell are you getting paid for, anyway? We might as well stop watching, except I don’t want to miss the COMMERCIALS. Dammit.

Really? An all-celebrity Apprentice? Christ.

They’re going to call another frikkin penalty on us, aren’t they? The refs are ruling this game. This is bullshit.

Okay, the parody of the Mean Joe Green commercial was just lame as hell. And after all the hype, too.

Arizona’s on their 28 with some rhythm. We’ll see. Flag’s down, it’s probably on us. Usually is. 96 yards of penalties on us, 15 on Pittsburg, for the whole damn game. Sure. Really?

Pittsburg time out. Second and goal. At least they called a damned penalty on the Steelers, finally.

ARIZONA TOUCHDOWN! Look, we showed up, finally. I mean, it’s only half-way through the fourth quarter, after all. Come on, boys. Hold them off, and make another touchdown.

“Hulu. An evil plot to destroy the world. Enjoy.” BWA. Just for that, I’ll check ’em out.

I’m seven minutes from hitting “publish” on this entry. Something tells me I’ll be sad at the time. I say as Arizona SACKS the Steelers’ quarterback. Pessimism has been my lucky charm throughout the playoffs. We’ll see if the method holds true for this game.

And now Madden is sucking Arizona’s dick. Fair weather commentator. Feh.

(Hi, did I mention this entry is PG-13? Creeping up on “R” if I say “fuck” one more time. Oops…)

YES. MacGruber! Aww, he sold out to Pepsi. That’s really Richard Dean Anderson! That’s awesome. But “Pepsuber” = EPIC FAIL.

Oh-ho, no fighting boys. No fighting. Flag’s out, who gets unsportsmanlike conduct? It’ll go on us, you watch. Oh, okay. Unnecessary roughness on the Steelers. About time. But is it too little, too late?

Good run to the 26!!! Oh, man. Guys, don’t screw it up. Aaaaand, now a holding call on us. What le fuck?

Another greyhound. How many does that make, I wonder? My typing’s still okay…

COME ON. GIVE US THE BALL BACK. WE DESERVE IT. DAMMIT. OF COURSE THEY GAVE IT TO PITTSBURG. THESE REFS ARE BULLSHIT.

That’s game. Sucks. The refs dictate the game instead of the players. The Cards can’t beat the Steelers AND the refs against them. I call complete and total bullshit. 3:21 left in the game and little hope in sight.

No rubbing it in by the Steelers fans in the comments, please. Ah, fuck it. Go ahead. Rub away. SIGH.

3rd down and ten. Would’ve been sweet if it could have been a safety. Woulda, coulda. And Steeler’s first down, with a flag.

NO. WAY. We got a safety called IN OUR FAVOR. WOOOOOOOOOOOO. If we score a touchdown, now? OMG OMG OMG.

Michael just called from the Super Bowl party he’s at. Now Calvin and he are debating the behavior of the refs. Michael is rooting for the Steelers. I’m so disappointed. He’s so misguided. Oh, where did we go wrong?

OH MY GOD TOUCHDOWN FITZGERALD!!!! TWO MINUTES THIRTY SECONDS AWAY FROM THE WIN. IT’S A REPEAT OF THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. YES YES YES YES YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS.

OhpleaseohpleaseohPLEASE hold the Steelers off for two more frikkin’ minutes. NO prevent defense, for the love of God.

I can’t watch. I’m going to go check the mail. Calvin won’t let me go. This is stressing me out. COME ON.

Two minute warning. I’M GOING TO DIE.

Per Calvin: “Cardiac Cardinals. Fuck me.”

Pittsburg time out, with another one left. I can’t stand it.

SHIT. Pittsburg is at the five yard line. I can’t believe we’re not going to win. DAMMIT. So much for our Cinderella story. We’re doomed if we go into overtime, but I’d take that over them winning right now.

Touchdown Steelers. That’s it. We’re done. I’m so sad. So very sad. There’s just no way the CARDINALS are pulling something out with 35 seconds left to play.

Pittsburg interception at five seconds. And now we’re changing the channel.

Not spell checking. Don’t feel like it.

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Comments
  1. Uh…I don’t think that was a fumble. I am still waiting for the last play. No one is seeming to show that play, his arm sure looked like it was moving FORWARD.

  2. Sharon says:

    They just televised the game, I think live here in Australia and me and my family were really rooting (I hope you use that word the same way we do here but just in case I mean cheering) for Arizona. It was really very confusing as we totally have no idea of the rules but it was fun to watch. Very exciting game. Sad ending!

  3. nebshit says:

    Laura, Pittsburgh has an “h” on the end. And your running commentary on the game cracked my shit up. And Madden – you should have played a drinking game for every time he said “penetration” – it was making me feel all icky. By the way, Arizona played one helluva game and Pittsburgh just barely pulled it out of their asses. I hope to see them at Super Bowl next year – playing against Pittsburgh again. 🙂

  4. LL Cool Joe says:

    Hey, rather than me reading this whole post, coz I do have a text phobia, could you just sum it up in a couple of sentences for me, or words if that’s easier? 😉

  5. crisitunity says:

    BF and I watched the last two minutes of each half, which was apparently the only time that cool stuff happened, so we were pretty pleased with it. Madden is a fucking IDIOT. “The widest gap in sports, it’s between winning and losing.” …Thank you, Captain John Obvious.

    I’m very sorry for the Cards. It appeared from the .01% of the game that we watched that both teams were playing really well.

  6. […] on the roof, highlander, ST: TNG, super bowl, the office job So I heard there was some kind of large sports event yesterday, or something. Maybe a few of you heard about it […]

  7. jadesymb says:

    Awesome. and suckage. Stupid Bobby was dancing around the house. Screw him! (it’s fun that way!)

  8. Laura says:

    MTAE – We were ROBBED.

    Sharon – 😀 “Rooting” is the same for both of us, I think. Thanks for the moral support! And, it took me three years of consistent game watching to become familiar enough with the rules to be able to yell “Offsides!” before Calvin.

    Nance – BWA! Hell, I’m gonna leave it that way. I said I wasn’t gonna spell check! It was a good game – at least it wasn’t a blow-out with Arizona losing. That’s what we were all really afraid of.

    Joe – “We lost.” Heh.

    Crisitunity – That’s the very thing that drives me NUTS about the man. “If you wanna win, you gotta score more than the other side.” YA THINK?

    Jen – Well, Calvin certainly was NOT. He was in a bear of a mood for the rest of the night. FEH.

  9. Kim says:

    I’m from NY, grew up in FL and now live in SC. I didn’t care about anything except the commercials and didn’t like most of them (there were a few exceptions, especially the Pepsi with the guys getting hurt then saying “I’m good!”) and I also got excited about Witch Mountain…until I realized there are five new movies coming out that are based on something that came before them: that one, Transformers, G.I. Joe, Star Trek and Land of the Lost. People in Hollywood need to stop playing with politics and start coming up with an original idea once in awhile.
    Eh, don’t mind me – I’m just crabby from lack of sleep.

  10. Jeanette says:

    I’m sorry AZ lost the superbowl. I am not particularly a football fan but I always go for the underdog!!

  11. Taoist Biker says:

    I was completely down the middle for this game – either team winning would have been fine with me. That said, here are my impressions:

    * I quit saying “refs should keep their flags in their pockets and let the guys play” after that playoff game in 2004 or whenever when the Patriots were clearly interfering with Marvin Harrison on every play. At some point, the refs are deciding the game if they DON’T call penalties, too. The only penalties I saw that should have been called were a couple of blocks in the back when the QBs (both sides) were scrambling. Everything else seemed fairly called, or not-called.

    * AZ didn’t get robbed on holding calls. The refs were only calling serious, obvious holding…which AZ’s tackle did at least once per drive on Harrison. (Note to those watching at home…when I can see a defender in front of you, and your arm around his shoulder from behind, that’s holding.) And that holding call for the safety should have evened that up. It was holding, yes, but not so much that every ref would have called it. Both players were falling down; if Hartwig had just let him go on the way down, no flag, Steelers first down, ballgame.

    * I told Dys with 3 minutes left in the game that I was gonna email my old buddy FellowNerd, a Steelers fan, with a two-word email: “PREVENT DEFENSE.” What the hell were they doing playing that far off the line of scrimmage? If they were up by 3 scores, sure. Within a touchdown?!?

    * I shook my head when Fitzgerald scored. “Too soon, too much time left.” Of course, the last time I said it was when Tennessee scored too soon on Buffalo before the “Music City Miracle.”

    * I thought Warner’s first incompletion was a fumble (that he then batted forward with his hand), and the one at the end of the game was an incompletion. But they both looked the same to me – clearly not a passing motion, but something that would probably fall under the infamous “Tuck Rule,” which is a horrible rule but would make them incompletions.

    * Arizona definitely turned it on when it counted, both in the season and in the game. I don’t care how many people say “this is why college football should NOT have a playoff, so the 9-7 Cards can’t play for the title” – I say, this is EXACTLY why they SHOULD have a playoff, damn you!!

    * My dad’s TV in the *kitchen* kicks my TV’s ass. The one in his living room I’m pretty sure can be seen from space. I should go home for Super Bowl Sunday more often.

    * The Potato Head commercial was the best one.

  12. Megan says:

    Your commentary is hilarious. I think they should put a little silhouette of you on the bottom of the screen and stream your comments across.

    Well, moving on to next year.

    Hmm, big secret revealed. That’s kind of where I thought you were as the only people I know who get sabbatical are there. But it’s nice to know, kind of a warm fuzzy figuring out your code-speak, like a friendship where you communicate with personal jokes.

  13. Taoist Biker says:

    An apology – I realized belatedly that I didn’t mention that one roughing the passer call on AZ – that was bullshit.

  14. Laura says:

    TB x 2 – I’ve removed the game from my remembery, so I can’t argue point-for-point with you anymore. I will say that ref bias is sometimes so shockingly glaring during certain games, I’m surprised they’re never called out on it. I mean, officially. Sure all the news reports and sports interviews and whatnot occasionally mention ref bias, but if the players even HINT that they think the refs are biased they get fined. WTF?

    Megan – The more I live my life, the more I realize it’s all one great big LOOOONG episode of MST3K. And, yay! You’re the only person to mention my secret. Of course, since you live ’round these here parts, it’s kind of obvious, huh? 😀

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