Crutches suck the big wide board (I heard that phrase in some 80’s movie once and it stayed with me). I can’t imagine anyone having to hobble around on two of ’em, keeping the weight entirely off of one foot, for any amount of time. I tried it, got about six paces? strides? crutches? hobbles? And said out loud in the parking lot at work where several people overheard me and laughed, “Oh, fuck THIS!” I hobbled (crutched?) back to the truck, tossed one of the crutches back into the back seat, and have been making do with one, used on my “bad” side, to take most of the weight off of the foot as I walk. The area of my underarm hurts like a sumbitch, my right leg is tired as heck, but my left foot (har) seems to be feeling a bit better.
I’ve been popping ibuprofen like they’re ‘ludes, icing the foot at night, and keeping it wrapped in an ace bandage. The tricky part will be when it starts feeling better, but isn’t yet healed. I’ll want to use it much more that I should before the six weeks are up, I guarantee. Cuz this shit? Sucks right here.
People at work are nice and are holding doors for me and asking what happened. I think I need to come up with a better reason why I fractured my foot than, “Um, I USED IT.” Therefore, I submit for your consideration:
Top Ten Better Reasons Why Laura Fractured Her Foot
10. Calvin beat her in a foot race to the last beer in the fridge.
9. Following the methodology of Red from “That 70’s Show” and inserting a foot up a deserving person’s ass isn’t as wise as one might be lead to believe.
8. In a battle between gravity and bone, gravity always wins.
7. Platform shoes are a bad idea. And they aren’t making a comeback.
6. Break dancing isn’t as easy as it looks.
5. It’s all part of Ozzy’s master plan to take over the household. Next, The World.
4. Chasing robbers out of the house in the middle of the night while waving a pistol would have gone better had she paused to put shoes on first.
3. Sufficient calcium intake is not achieved by daily consumption of chocolate cake, as previously assumed.
2. Dancing on a bar is only recommended if said bar is wider than two feet.
And the #1 better reason why Laura fractured her foot:
EXERCISE IS ACTUALLY BAD FOR YOU. PASS IT ON.
Marie is the daughter of my heart. When she hurts, I hurt. When she struggles, I fret for her. When I say that I don’t want to have babies of my own because of Marie (and Michael), it’s NOT because my life with them has been so horrific that I don’t want to risk having any more children. It’s because I’ve fully experienced the joys (and challenges, and lessons) of motherhood through them and with them, and feel like I’ve never missed out.
Marie has been jobless now for several months, and the stress is wearing on her. She and her boyfriend are also in the midst of a break-up, and instead of the drama and tears she has been known to display in past breakup experiences, this time she’s just… defeated. Worn out. Articulate in her decisions and her standards, straight-forward with her expectations, and ready to just take a break from the whole relationship merry-go-round for a while.
There’s nothing Calvin and I can do to make it all better for her, other than lend an ear and give advice where we can. It just sucks, and it’ll just keep sucking until it doesn’t. She’s learning a lot of life lessons at a startling pace, and has more under her belt than most twenty-year-old girls. She’s on the fast track for adulthood.
She gets that from me.
So! We’re headed into the weekend with very little planned. Calvin and I are meeting friends after work tonight to hang out, but Saturday and Sunday are wide open, what with football wrapping up. We still need to decide what we’re doing for the Super Bowl next weekend. Staying home? Hanging at the Dark Horse? Going to Jen’s Super Bowl party (prolly not, she lives in East Jesus and we like to have beer with our football)?
I’ve continued to have little confidence that the Cards will actually win (I’ve been saying that about the last three games… which they’ve won). So my reverse-jinx seems to be working. I’ll continue to be a doubting Thomas. Whatever’s clever.
Hope you guys have a great weekend! Behave yourselves until I get back, okay? Could be later today, could be sometime next week. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.
Snerkology – keeping its readers on their toes. Since 2000.