A gentle sufficiency.

Posted: January 23, 2009 in bitching, Drama, Family, weekend

calvinhobbesjiveCrutches suck the big wide board (I heard that phrase in some 80’s movie once and it stayed with me). I can’t imagine anyone having to hobble around on two of ’em, keeping the weight entirely off of one foot, for any amount of time. I tried it, got about six paces? strides? crutches? hobbles? And said out loud in the parking lot at work where several people overheard me and laughed, “Oh, fuck THIS!” I hobbled (crutched?) back to the truck, tossed one of the crutches back into the back seat, and have been making do with one, used on my “bad” side, to take most of the weight off of the foot as I walk. The area of my underarm hurts like a sumbitch, my right leg is tired as heck, but my left foot (har) seems to be feeling a bit better.

I’ve been popping ibuprofen like they’re ‘ludes, icing the foot at night, and keeping it wrapped in an ace bandage. The tricky part will be when it starts feeling better, but isn’t yet healed. I’ll want to use it much more that I should before the six weeks are up, I guarantee. Cuz this shit? Sucks right here.

People at work are nice and are holding doors for me and asking what happened. I think I need to come up with a better reason why I fractured my foot than, “Um, I USED IT.” Therefore, I submit for your consideration:

Top Ten Better Reasons Why Laura Fractured Her Foot

10. Calvin beat her in a foot race to the last beer in the fridge.
9. Following the methodology of Red from “That 70’s Show” and inserting a foot up a deserving person’s ass isn’t as wise as one might be lead to believe.
8. In a battle between gravity and bone, gravity always wins.
7. Platform shoes are a bad idea. And they aren’t making a comeback.
6. Break dancing isn’t as easy as it looks.
5. It’s all part of Ozzy’s master plan to take over the household. Next, The World.
4. Chasing robbers out of the house in the middle of the night while waving a pistol would have gone better had she paused to put shoes on first.
3. Sufficient calcium intake is not achieved by daily consumption of chocolate cake, as previously assumed.
2. Dancing on a bar is only recommended if said bar is wider than two feet.

And the #1 better reason why Laura fractured her foot:



Marie is the daughter of my heart. When she hurts, I hurt. When she struggles, I fret for her. When I say that I don’t want to have babies of my own because of Marie (and Michael), it’s NOT because my life with them has been so horrific that I don’t want to risk having any more children. It’s because I’ve fully experienced the joys (and challenges, and lessons) of motherhood through them and with them, and feel like I’ve never missed out.

Marie has been jobless now for several months, and the stress is wearing on her. She and her boyfriend are also in the midst of a break-up, and instead of the drama and tears she has been known to display in past breakup experiences, this time she’s just… defeated. Worn out. Articulate in her decisions and her standards, straight-forward with her expectations, and ready to just take a break from the whole relationship merry-go-round for a while.

There’s nothing Calvin and I can do to make it all better for her, other than lend an ear and give advice where we can. It just sucks, and it’ll just keep sucking until it doesn’t. She’s learning a lot of life lessons at a startling pace, and has more under her belt than most twenty-year-old girls. She’s on the fast track for adulthood.

She gets that from me.


So! We’re headed into the weekend with very little planned. Calvin and I are meeting friends after work tonight to hang out, but Saturday and Sunday are wide open, what with football wrapping up. We still need to decide what we’re doing for the Super Bowl next weekend. Staying home? Hanging at the Dark Horse? Going to Jen’s Super Bowl party (prolly not, she lives in East Jesus and we like to have beer with our football)?

I’ve continued to have little confidence that the Cards will actually win (I’ve been saying that about the last three games… which they’ve won). So my reverse-jinx seems to be working. I’ll continue to be a doubting Thomas. Whatever’s clever.

Hope you guys have a great weekend! Behave yourselves until I get back, okay? Could be later today, could be sometime next week. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

Snerkology – keeping its readers on their toes. Since 2000.

  1. Kim says:

    I had to use crutches ONCE, in 7th grade – my one and only attempt at playing football. It sucked balls all the way around, but the absolute worst was getting on and off the school bus. That shit lasted like two days, then I chose to hop the rest of the time.
    Damn; sorry for Marie. Twenty is such a crazy time, or at least it was for me. Old enough to take on all the responsibilities of an adult, including getting your heart stomped on. Repeatedly. I hope things get better for her really soon.
    My friend in Tampa lives within walking distance of the stadium and is planning on not leaving her apartment from Friday after work until Monday morning. That town is about to blow up.

  2. Lana says:

    One of my good friends is also on crutches right now. She fell on the ice and dislocated her kneecap ( oww! no…? ) Anyway imagine being on crutches among feet of SNOW… hang in there hopefully you won’t need ’em long.

    Also I just have to mention I giggled a bit when I read doubting Thomas, There is a local band here by that name.

  3. farmwife says:

    I broke my leg jumping off a runaway horse (on Power Rd and Southern as a matter of fact) then had to ride home 2 miles on the jigging bitch.

    Anyhow — after going through 3 regular casts in the space of a week (yes, the doctor hated me) they gave me this super cool Air Jordan blow up cast that was just awesome. I could take it off to bathe and everything 🙂 It was easy to walk in to. You needs you one of those!

    Oh anyhow about crutches — I was hobbling along in the kitchen, slipped one crutch on a puddle of water and landed on top of a Tonka truck — Tonka trucks to the ribs HURT. My bastard of a husband and our friend were laughing so hard they could hardly get to me to help me up. Like I wanted them to help at that point. Anyhow — watch out for Tonka trucks! They lurk in wait for you!

  4. Don’t punch me here for being the bad guy, but that other is really going to be help keep you from hurting the other foot/leg because you are using IT more now than then. You thinkone bad foot is trouble. Try one bad foot and one bad knee…on opposite legs!!!!

  5. Taoist Biker says:

    At least we CAN be on our toes, neener neener!

    Sorry for Marie; I had a good friend get divorced last year and she was definitely on the “let me off this train” state of mind, too, which I had to respect. At least she really is learning these hard lessons early, so maybe by the time she’s in her mid-20s she’ll be able to make better decisions than I did in my early 30s.

  6. Laura says:

    Kim – GAH, since I rode the bus one hour EACH WAY back and forth to school (uphill, in the snow…) it would have SUCKED BALLS, since I was among the tortured unpopular kids. I shudder to even think about it. Marie will be okay, I think, as long as she sticks to her standards and doesn’t keep him around just for the sake of having a boyfriend. And DAMN, I wouldn’t really WANT to be in Tampa this next week. Far less of a hassle to watch the game at home, with free access to much cheaper beer and munchies!

    Lana – Oh, OW! Poor thing. Yeah, I can’t imagine having to deal with crutches in the snow, since I’m not particulary coordinated on flat, dry desert land! Soft place to fall, though? Maybe?

    Farmwife – Good heavens, really? You’d get hit by a car these days! I’m not bad off enough to need a cast, just need to keep it wrapped since a stress fracture isn’t really the equivalent of an actual broken bone. Also? Smack your husband upside the head for me, would ya, and say, “Bad hubby! No cookie!”

    MTAE – You know, I’ve been worried about that all along? I’m sitting on my ASS today.

    TB – Shaddap. 😛 And yeah, perhaps Marie’s fast track will be dissimilar to mine in that she just has to break up with asstard boyfriends, instead of having to flee a psycho husband. I hope I learned THAT lesson FOR her!

  7. jadesymb says:

    Wow, I thought for sure you’d rat me out to the Internets!!!


  8. LL Cool Joe says:

    I like number 10.

    I’ve never had an injury at all. I’m not sure what that says about me actually.

    Oh, I dropped a sharp knife into my foot once and blood shot everywhere, but a good plaster and a stiff drink soon sorted that problem out.

    I’m not much help, am I?

  9. Laura says:

    Jen – I will if you don’t start behaving, missy!

    Joe – You’re a great help. I just don’t dare store a flask in my desk…

  10. Delta Lady says:

    Wow!!! Been there done that with the crutches casts the whole 9 yards… My first cast w/no sugery was in my 9th grade summer, for a legament tear, my second cast was in my 10th grade winter!!! With a reconstructive sugery under my belt, and the chronic pain associated with it I was past IBU-600 many moons ago… I graduated to Vicodin 7.5, Hint hint if you are poppin IBU like ludes and it aint getting it at all go for the Vicodin it’s the ticket for pain… Plus 100 proof vodka and fruit punch kool-aid made into a slush and you’ll forget you even had a Boo Boo on your foot… And those toys with wheels and metal are a pain where ever they connect with your body!!! Good Luck

  11. Laura says:

    Delta Lady – “Plus 100 proof vodka and fruit punch kool-aid made into a slush and you’ll forget you even had a Boo Boo on your foot…” BWA! I’ll have to try that one!

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