PETA doesn’t live here.

Posted: November 13, 2008 in Bring the funny, pets

1iconozinshowerI love Ozzy, but he sure can be a bastard of a cat sometimes.

I’ve mentioned, like, a thousand times, that he likes to stalk Zoe and attack her and make her make THAT NOISE. We holler, we shoo him away, he retreats about five feet, waits for us to go away, and then does it again. And again. And again. Oz just loves to fuck with Zoe, and Zoe recovers quickly enough and even seeks Oz out sometimes, so we know that she’s not getting particularly traumatized by this, and probably even masochistically enjoys it (which, I guess, makes Oz a sadist). Still. It’s getting really REALLY old.

So, we’ve taken to spraying him with water when he fucks with Zoe. Which kind of turned into a game of sorts, for him. Being a Bengal, he’s completely comfortable with water. So sometimes he’ll just sit there and take a few shots before he trots off to groom himself. As if to say, “Hey, thanks, it’s hard to clean dry fur with just my cute little pink tongue.”

But! There is hope (for us, for Zoe, for humanity). We have discovered his kryptonite.

He DOES NOT like to be cornered.

Last night, per his habit, Oz fucked with Zoe. Per Zoe’s habit, she yowled at the top of her little cat lungs. Per Calvin’s habit, he jumped about five feet off the couch, startled. (Per my habit, I laughed at him.) I got up off the couch, went into the bathroom, and grabbed the water bottle. In the meantime, Oz continued to chase Zoe around, and they both leaped through the CAT FLAP! and into the closet where their litter boxes reside. I crept over to the closet door, opened it, and saw that Oz was in the back corner facing the door, and Zoe was crouched opposite him right in front of the door.

She ran out as soon as I opened the door. Oz made a move to follow, which is when I opened fire. He certainly didn’t want to come forward toward the stream of water, he couldn’t go backward, and he couldn’t dodge to the side because of a couple of boxes in his way. So he was well and truly cornered and had to take what I was dishing.

He hissed. He howled. He made perfectly clear the extent of his discontent. I continued to super soak him to get the point across that the water bottle Is Not A Game. I Am The Punisher. I Am Here For Your Soul.

And then, I got him right in the face. Right in his open mouth, as he was preparing for another yowl. Which came out as something to the effect of, “GRAWGLE! FLAGM! YOWIE!”

I about fell on the floor, I was laughing so hard. He looked so indignant and offended as he bolted out of the closet and under the kitchen table.

He groomed himself for the next two hours, and left Zoe alone for the rest of the night. Bliss.

This morning he started to chase Zoe again. All I had to do was pick up the water bottle and show him that it was in my hand. He hissed and ran off upstairs.


  1. Taoist Biker says:

    “I Am Here For Your Soul.”

    With my Water Bottle of Eternal Chastising +5!


  2. Kim says:

    I just laughed so hard reading that, I think I pissed off my bitchy office mate, Crazy. Which means you win again and so do I!
    This made me miss having a cat so much. They are psycho little beasts, aren’t they?
    Question: are Bengal cats named after their big brother Bengal tigers? Please humor me; I’m dumb.

  3. Laura says:

    TB – I confess I was channelling Andre the Giant’s take on the Dread Pirate Roberts.

    Kim – No relation to their larger cousins. Oz is a rather subdued example of his breed’s coloring, take a look at this site for some really eye-popping examples. Wikipedia has a pretty good article about Bengals, too. We love the breed so much that we have determined that there will ALWAYS be at least one Bengal in our family. Oz has so much personality that you have to love him, even when he’s being a brat.

  4. Heather says:

    So Ozzy = Calvin when he’s in the mood to tickle and poke and make ‘that noise’ and Zoe = YOU when you don’t wish to be tickled and poked and hear ‘that noise’.

    You know the noise! ‘POIK! POIK! POIK!’

  5. Laura says:

    Heather – THAT’S THE NOISE ALRIGHT! 😀 Perhaps I should start spraying HIM in the face?

  6. Lana says:

    Cats are so cool… we have our kitty trained so that if she is misbehaving all you have to do is snap your fingers at her and she stops…

  7. Laura says:

    Lana – Hah! We do that to Ozzy, and he looks at us like, “Yes? And?”

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