Madness! Mayhem! Snails mugging turtles!

Posted: November 7, 2008 in blogkeeping, Bring the funny, Drama, Friends

1iconreallybaddaySo yesterday I took Jen to her appointment to get her blood drawn. To say that Jen does not like needles would be like saying that running a drill bit into your eardrum is kind of annoying. I had to stand between her legs and block her view of The Arm Into Which The Needle Was Going, and hold the non-needle hand. A nurse had to hold down her other arm, another nurse had to hold her other hand, and the technician had to somewhere get in among all the bodies to stick the needle in her. Seriously. We all had to confer about the logistics before it all went down.

So. While myself and the two other nurses (I don’t know why I said “other nurses” when I’m not a nurse) held her down and the technician prepared to stick her, one nurse told a joke to distract Jen from the Big Scary Needle (and I have Jen’s permission to poke fun (HAH) at her because I’m telling the truth about how many people it takes to get Jen to give up one measly vial of blood – she thinks her reaction is ridiculous too but there seems to be nothing she can do about it). It went like this:

A turtle goes to the police and reports that he was mugged by two snails. The officer asks, “Did you get a good look at them?” To which the turtle replies, “No, it happened too fast.”

::STICK::

So I’m babbling a mile a minute to distract Jen from her urge to LEAP UP AND BEAT EVERYONE OFF OF HER AND RUN FOR HER LIFE.

“Did ya get it, Jen?”
“Get. What.” (There was definitely a growl.)
“The joke!”
“What. Joke.” (More growling.)
“Turtle? Snails? Turtles are slow? Snails are slow too?”

At which point she shot me dead with the daggers coming from her eyeballs and I’m now writing this from The Other Side.

———-

I’ve had a very large spike in the number of visits to this site in the past couple of days, and I don’t know why or where these new folks are coming from. I’m curious! If you’re new here, please leave a comment! If you’re old here and you’ve been purposefully fluffing my hits counter, let me know so I can properly thank you! Heh.

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Comments
  1. Kim says:

    That reminds me of my favorite joke of all time.
    Horse walks into a bar.
    Bartender says “Why the long face?”

    HAAAAAAAA!!!

  2. Taoist Biker says:

    What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

    Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

  3. Christy says:

    I’m a bonafide long-time lurker and I don’t think I’ve been loading your page any more than normal, but just in case, Hello! I like your style. And I just drank a huge amount of coffee. The end. P.S. Happy Friday.

  4. Laura says:

    Kim – GRRROOOOAAANNNNN.

    TB – BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

    Christy – Well, hi there! Welcome! I love me some de-lurkers! Happy Friday back, I hope your caffiene buzz lasts all day.

  5. Taoist Biker says:

    My initial joke was much funnier, but significantly dirtier, so I spared ya. 😉

  6. Laura says:

    TB – Aww, come on! We can take it, we’re all grown-ups here.

  7. Taoist Biker says:

    Sure thing!

    “I entered a masturbation contest today. I finished first, third, and ninth.”

  8. crisitunity says:

    I love terrible jokes like these. My favorite joke of all time:

    What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

    “Look, there are elephants coming over the hill!”

  9. Jen says:

    It is called and irrational fear for a reason!

    🙂

    Thank you again for your help!

  10. Laura says:

    TB – :: rimshot ::

    Christunity – BWAA! That’s awesome! That’s surpassed the “Interrupting Cow” joke as my favorite stupid joke, now. I don’t even know WHY it’s funny.

    Jen – HUGGIES! I’m glad Lan’s okay.

  11. Laura says:

    CRISitunity – How long have I been spelling your name wrong???

  12. crisitunity says:

    It’s no big deal – it’s not really my name, and even my real name gets spelled wrong all the time. 🙂

  13. LL Cool Joe says:

    Just thought I’d say hi as I may have influenced your numbers! I clicked on your name via Farmwife’s blog. 🙂 Hope that was ok?

    So I should say I’m drinking coffee as well? Actually it’s beer!

    Great blog.

  14. iamheatherjo says:

    Guy goes to the doctor because his fingers have inexplicably turned orange.

    The doctor asks if he has changed his diet or if he has been exposed to any toxic chemicals at work.

    Guy says “No, actually, I just got fired from work and all I’ve been doing is sitting around watching porn and eating Cheetos.”

    😀

  15. Lana says:

    My husband Ryan and I are from Upper Michigan we have been readers for yrs. now, and have commented from time to time ( I think you got into the band “the hold steady ” per his suggestion ) anyway we love reading your musings… thanks for keeping us entertained all this time.

  16. iamheatherjo says:

    I told the joke wrong. DAMN! I hate when I do that. His PENIS had inexplicably turned orange. Jeez…I was so off my game yesterday. But I WAS posting from work on my phone so cut me a break. Hee! 😉

  17. Now I know my my penis is orange.

  18. iamheatherjo says:

    Electricians are cheeky.

  19. Laura says:

    Crisitunity – Still, sorry! Also, my first name and last name IRL could both be a woman’s first name, and I get called by my last name all the time.

    LL Cool Joe – As you’ll soon learn if you continue reading, beer is even better! (See pic at upper left.) Welcome, and thanks for commenting!

    Heather – It makes much more sense after your second comment. ~grin~ S’okay, I can’t tell a joke to save my life.

    Lana – Yes, and thanks for the music recommendation, I add more of their stuff to my iPod regularly. Currently my fave is Your Little Hoodrat Friend.

    Electrician – Yes! Cheeky! Just what this website needs!

  20. Elissa says:

    My favorite jokes:

    Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
    A. To stomp out forest fires.
    Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
    A. To stomp out burning ducks.

    Always cheers me up for some reason!

    Also, why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station.

  21. crisitunity says:

    Aggggh, these jokes are TERRIBLE. And AWESOME.

  22. Laura says:

    Elissa – WHY was that funny? WHYYYYY? I horked coffee out my nose.

    Crisitunity – AREN’T THEY????

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