Posted: February 26, 2008 in Headspace

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re living your entire life, filling it with details and actions and stuff and things and completely missing the point of everything? I look at the things that we do to fill the time, to make the paycheck, to keep the house going, to keep the mundanity of our lives tock tock tocking along…

For what? For fucking WHAT are we doing these things?

I was brought up to believe that I should lead a purpose-filled life. Purpose in faith, purpose in career, purpose in family, purpose in… whatever. In something I believe in, something that moves me and speaks to me. Something defining and real. And yet lately… no, not even lately, but for years I have lived my life according to what comes next, rather than what comes now. The moment I’m in is rarely the moment I want. I want the next weekend, the next bonus, the next vacation, the next something that isn’t what is right now. The next reality that seems, by its very nature of being ahead of me, that it must be better than here and now.

What is my real purpose? WHAT, exactly, do I want to be doing with myself during this short time that I inhabit this mortal shell? I have no fucking clue. I know who I want to be doing whatever this purpose is with– my husband. But beyond that, when you get right down to the absolute bottom of this whole crapfest, I have no idea what will make me feel fulfilled. What will make me feel like I am really LIVING this life instead of existing during its duration.

My life is absolutely worth more than a decent paycheck, a clean house, and the sum of the garbage that’s wheeled out to the curb every Monday morning. I am doing nothing with this chance that I’ve been given. This is fucking it, this is all I get, and I’m wasting it worrying about debt and taxes and my goddamn yearly fucking review? Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.

I’m tired of just existing. I want more, but not the “more” of things or possessions. I want more feeling. I want more soul. I want more joy, more richness of experience, more color and action and peace and the tranquility of spirit that I know has to come with feeling that you are in the right place (spiritual, mental, physical) living the right life. I want to belong – to myself first, to my life’s joy next.

There is something grossly askew with my life – with our life, since I know I can speak for Calvin on this one, too. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when he reads this – before he gets to the end, even – he will be nodding his head up and down and saying, “Exactly.” So thank God that this one part of my soul – it’s mate – is the way it should be. Because everything else is fucked all to hell.

This is not the way my life is supposed to be. This is not the sum of my parts. This is not the reality of who I really am. Whatever this nonsense is that I do to keep up with whatever this nonsense is that I set in motion. I do NOT want to look back a year from now – read this entry, a year from now – and say to myself, “Yep, great epiphany there, Laura. Now what exactly did you do about it? Why nothing at all!”

Fuck. I don’t have a clue on how to fix this. I don’t even know how or where to start.  For once, writing myself out hasn’t cleared anything up for me at all.

  1. Avitable says:

    Maybe a vacation is in order for both of you.

  2. LauraH says:

    Amen to that. I often found/find myself thinking the same things,”Just what the heck are we doing all of this for again?” It’s funny, in hindsight, that many people tell me to be glad for the 15 years I did have with my soulmate, but I am selfish and it will never be enough when we spent all of that time, basically, just doing the stuff of going day to day. I am so glad you found the person you were meant to be with. I think this dragged out winter of all of our discontent is having a lot to do with it. If you find out what it is we’re all here for, let me know.

  3. Jayne says:

    I agree with Avitable. A break away would probably do you the world of good. I find new scenery always helps to clear my mind and helps me look at things afresh.
    As for the previous post about liking yourself 50 per cent of the time? If the truth be known, probably most of us feel like that. The bottom line is, if you have family and friends who love you, then you must be doing something right for at least *most* of the time. We readers wouldn’t be hanging around here if we didn’t think you were great.

  4. Laura says:

    Thanks you guys, you’re all very kind. I think I’m just tired. Avi is right, I need a vacation. One that lasts for the rest of my life. I need a complete and total OVERHAUL.

  5. Lilly says:

    I had always felt that I would only feel fully accomplished if I did something to change the world, or did something to have my name go down in history forever. Maybe not as grand, but equally important, I’ll be absolutely fine knowing that my legacy will be known in my family(even if only for a few short generations) and that my kids will always know how I strived to make our lives better. My life will have not been for nothing.

    Maybe go on vacation, or volunteer, or go to church and find religion…try something youve never done before.

  6. Jean says:

    Know all of those feelings that you want in your life? You know where they come from?

    They are born into your life as a result of GIVING. Find something/somewhere, anything! and start volunteering. Commit yourself on a regular basis to people that need your help. Give of your time and your talents to your brothers and sisters that need what you have!

    I promise that if you do that, you’ll write an entirely different entry a year from now. Vacations are wonderful, but you walk right back into where you left.

  7. Taoist Biker says:

    I actually was thinking of blogging something like this myself today. Something I read last night put me in mind of it. But I’ve definitely felt that way in the past, and I’ve definitely kicked myself for not changing sooner. In a lot of ways, I feel things starting to shift, but other things remain the same. I think I’m going in the right direction, but sometimes I wonder.

  8. Heather says:

    I agree with Jean that getting away usually doesn’t solve anything. You come right back to the same problems and usually with a lot less money than you had before you left (so if finances are part of the problem…it just gets worse).

    Volunteering at the animal shelter was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and before you say “I’ll want to bring them all home”, of course you want to bring them all home, we all do. But you can’t, but you CAN make a difference for them while they are there until someone wonderful takes them home. Or since you love books and love to read you could read to blind folks or old folks or sick kids. I think Jean might be onto something. 🙂

  9. Laura says:

    Lilly – I don’t want to be a superhero. I don’t want to go down in history. If the only meaning I find is my own, I’d be happy with that.

    Jean and Heather – We’re actually going to be doing quite a bit of volunteering through AcronymCo this year, which I’m looking forward to. I hope to find some place or cause to dedicate my non-working time to, as well.

    Taoist Biker – You’re not the first one to say something of this sort to me today. Is there something in the water, do you suppose?

    Jayne – Aww, thanks! I think you’re pretty great, too.

    Actually, overall I’m pretty sure I’m blessed with the best readers a blogger could ever hope for.

  10. Laura says:

    LauraH – I’ve figured it out! We are all here to eat chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream. Seriously, that’s it.

  11. […] still feel like I wish I had a driving sense of purpose, like the professor mentioned above, or as Laura discussed yesterday.   I feel like my family is a driving purpose, and I’m proud of that, but I feel a need for […]

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