Posted: January 28, 2008 in Headspace

I woke up at 4:00 this morning when the alarm went off for Calvin, and stayed awake.  Oh, I fought it for a while – tossed and turned, punched the pillow, wrestled with the covers.  I gave up at a quarter ’till five, made myself some breakfast, got on the computer and checked my checking account.  Not as bad as I feared, which was a surprise.  Though I must have more confidence in myself about our money management.  Even when logically I know as I log in that I’m not going to see -$357.17, I still feel this silly anxiety building until I’m sure.

GAD affects me (effects?  dammit) this way. I worry about crap ALL THE TIME. Crap that I don’t really have to worry this much about. My job. Housework. Strangers. Death. My weight. Making it. For chrissakes, I worry about MAKING IT as an adult when I’m 33 years old and so have obviously figured out how to live out on my own.

It’s completely retarded.

Normal amounts of stress that a person can expect to experience in life are (is?) multiplied and expounded upon and grown out of proportion with me so that any little bit of legitimate concern is blown WAAAAY beyond what is normal and grows exponentially to first turn the original concern into a life or death situation, and then grows to encompass life, the universe, and everything.

THAT was an awesome run-on sentence, right there.

You, my darling readers, are my therapy. Writing in this journal is one way that I deal with a non-medicated me (I’ve not taken my 1/2 Lexapro in a couple of days – such a small dosage really does make a flippin’ difference). And so I find myself getting up at 4:30 in the morning to have a chicken sandwich and write about my disease when I SHOULD be enjoying a few more hours of sleep, dammit.

Gotta get that prescription refilled.

(Also, I am re-pimping my recipe site, World Famous Nosh, since I was a post-whore this weekend and my Monday through Friday readers may have missed the announcement. Love ya! Mean it!)

  1. rai says:

    It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has to deal with that crap. And whose sleep is screwed by it. Not that it makes it any better, of course. =]

  2. Jayne says:

    I’m not sure if it’s entirely the same thing but I think I am afflicted with something not dissimilar. I find myself practically paralysed from doing anything because I’m thinking of all the ‘what ifs’, often finding the negatives. It’s horrible. I overthink. I have, for instance, spent way too much time in my life going over things I’ve said to people, hoping they haven’t misunderstood what I’ve said and therefore been offended. All logic tells me to stop but still my brain goes into overdrive, usually when all I want to do is sleep. My husband has just bought me a book called ‘Are you an Overthinker?’ by (to quote the cover) ‘renowned psychologist and award-winning researcher Dr Susan Nolen-Hoeksema’ and just looking at the blurb it’s a common problem amongst women. …I’ve yet to read it by the way so don’t really know if it’s of any help either to me or to you! I just thought it worth throwing out there.

    I love your cookery pages. I’m very interested in styles of cookery on your side of the Atlantic because like the language we share, there are subtle differences. I’ll definitely be trying out a few recipes, albeit occasionally substituting for ingredients that I’d never get here in ‘the land beyond beyond’! 🙂

  3. shirley says:

    Laura, In my younger years, I was not so much a worrier as I am in my senior years. I have found out that this time next week what I worried about today almost never happens. So why do I still worry? My family takes good care of me, “still worry”.

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