At some point

Posted: April 13, 2007 in Headspace, Journal

Calvin and I have been talking about moving over the past couple of days. How to get started, what the steps are, where to move to and what to do for jobs when we get there, what the point of it all is. Calvin hems and haws at moving, first falling on the side of enthusiasm, then falling on the side of protest. I call him a chicken and accuse him of being stubborn and unenthusiastic and change-adverse. And yet, I need to be kinder and remember what it was like when I first contemplated moving away from Maine. One side of my mind was excited, the other side extremely sad. The extremely sad side dominated and has stayed present in the forefront ever since.

I don’t want Calvin to experience the same crushing homesickness that I have. And it’s not fair of me to assume that he wouldn’t, just because I don’t happen to like living in Arizona. It’s where he was born and grew up. His roots are here, although most of them are paved over with mini-malls. So though I can’t for the life of me see how anyone could develop a sense of home and rightness about this place, I must assume that it is indeed possible, and that my husband feels affection for our current home state.

I want him to hate it here as much as I do, but that’s just mean. And unfair. I want him to want to get away as badly as I do, but I can’t force the feeling onto him and I shouldn’t want to.

It comes to this – I can’t imagine ever being happy here. But can I stay for the sake of Calvin’s happiness? Are there changes to our current life that would make me happier to stay in Arizona? Nothing comes to mind, but in order to be totally fair about this I have to at least entertain the exercise.

Even though the thought of staying here forever just chokes the spirit right out of me. I don’t intend to use that as emotional blackmail (I know he’s going to read this), it’s just the very real and true way that I feel. I want to up and leave. Sell the house, pick a direction, and go. Figure the rest of it out when we get there. That simplistic of a plan is not only unrealistic, it’s irresponsible.

But, it’s also not impossible. Where there’s a will there’s a way, and I’ve always been a fan of having a simple life. Do I have to have a career making as much money as I do now? I’m not career-oriented, and if we downsize our life we won’t need the salaries we currently require. Do I have to have a big house and fancy cars? No, just a little place that feels like home and something that runs. The things that are REALLY important to me – my connection with Calvin, my connection to the place that I live, the nourishment of my spirit – all of those things would be met and even improved upon if we just moved to somewhere that spoke to us, and de-complicated our lives.

But in order to make things uncomplicated, first they have to be more complicated. Beginning with the first and biggest complication – getting both of us on the same page about moving.

I have to be patient, I have to be fair, and I have to listen to all the things that Calvin is saying and not saying. But it’s hard to bring myself to that sense of stillness, when my heart and mind are wild to get out of this place.

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