Endings

How I would end ‘em, were I in charge…

ER - Helicopters randomly drop from the sky and kill off each character. Luca’s emo-ing it up on the stairs by the train? Helicopter drops from the sky. Pratt’s out clubbin it? Helicopter drops from the sky. Weaver is selling her soul to the medical board? Helicopter kill’s ‘em all. Romano is hanging outside the entrance minding his own business? Helicopter… oh wait, they did that one. Only John Stamos’ character will die differently - killed when someone put poison in his hair gel. Oh, and Doctor Ross comes back and claims Abby’s baby, and Carter finds Gallant still alive and held hostage in some third world country and rescues him with the help of the Singing Sword and Bob Newhart. Then as the final scene the camera pans in on a white sign taped to the hospital doors… “Help Wanted - Apply Within”.

Scrubs - JD finally confesses his undying love to Dr. Cox and they dump their medical careers to tour the country on motorcycles together, mapping each nude beach and hidden swimming hole. THey write a best-selling book out of the experience and retire as millionares in Costa Rica. Through a strange chain of events, Eliot winds up as Chief of Medicine, a position which she holds for a total of three days before single-handedly killing every patient within Sacred Heart. She gets her own spin-off as a book-smart prison babe who runs from shanking to shanking, dispensing medical wisdom and wit to the disinterested. Carla and Turk move to Mexico and open up a chain of road-side taco stands.

Battlestar Galactica - They find Earth. Earth’s military mistake BSG and the rest of the fleet of ships as an alien attack. Due to Earth’s “Shoot First and Ask Questions Later” policy, all are blown out of the sky upon achieving orbit. Only the Cylon Caprica survives and makes a KILLING making porn.

Jericho - All the characters discover that they’re really in an M. Night Shyamalan flick.

Seriously, though, I am disappointed to hear that Moonlight and New Amsterdam will not be returning after this, their debut seasons. Disappointed, but not surprised.

(Go here for the cancellation list.)