Nonpoint

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re living your entire life, filling it with details and actions and stuff and things and completely missing the point of everything? I look at the things that we do to fill the time, to make the paycheck, to keep the house going, to keep the mundanity of our lives tock tock tocking along…

For what? For fucking WHAT are we doing these things?

I was brought up to believe that I should lead a purpose-filled life. Purpose in faith, purpose in career, purpose in family, purpose in… whatever. In something I believe in, something that moves me and speaks to me. Something defining and real. And yet lately… no, not even lately, but for years I have lived my life according to what comes next, rather than what comes now. The moment I’m in is rarely the moment I want. I want the next weekend, the next bonus, the next vacation, the next something that isn’t what is right now. The next reality that seems, by its very nature of being ahead of me, that it must be better than here and now.

What is my real purpose? WHAT, exactly, do I want to be doing with myself during this short time that I inhabit this mortal shell? I have no fucking clue. I know who I want to be doing whatever this purpose is with- my husband. But beyond that, when you get right down to the absolute bottom of this whole crapfest, I have no idea what will make me feel fulfilled. What will make me feel like I am really LIVING this life instead of existing during its duration.

My life is absolutely worth more than a decent paycheck, a clean house, and the sum of the garbage that’s wheeled out to the curb every Monday morning. I am doing nothing with this chance that I’ve been given. This is fucking it, this is all I get, and I’m wasting it worrying about debt and taxes and my goddamn yearly fucking review? Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.

I’m tired of just existing. I want more, but not the “more” of things or possessions. I want more feeling. I want more soul. I want more joy, more richness of experience, more color and action and peace and the tranquility of spirit that I know has to come with feeling that you are in the right place (spiritual, mental, physical) living the right life. I want to belong – to myself first, to my life’s joy next.

There is something grossly askew with my life – with our life, since I know I can speak for Calvin on this one, too. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when he reads this – before he gets to the end, even – he will be nodding his head up and down and saying, “Exactly.” So thank God that this one part of my soul – it’s mate – is the way it should be. Because everything else is fucked all to hell.

This is not the way my life is supposed to be. This is not the sum of my parts. This is not the reality of who I really am. Whatever this nonsense is that I do to keep up with whatever this nonsense is that I set in motion. I do NOT want to look back a year from now – read this entry, a year from now – and say to myself, “Yep, great epiphany there, Laura. Now what exactly did you do about it? Why nothing at all!”

Fuck. I don’t have a clue on how to fix this. I don’t even know how or where to start.  For once, writing myself out hasn’t cleared anything up for me at all.

Confession.

I spend almost exactly half of my time thinking I’m pretty cool, pretty decent, pretty smart, pretty lovable.  I spend almost exactly half of my time thinking that I suck at everything, I’m a horrible person, and I’m just not… enough.

Things I am annoyed about today.

Somehow AcronymCo has managed to screw up hard boiled eggs. This morning I had the worst egg experience of my life. Who knew that was screw-uppable?

<soapbox> 

I think my husband resents my diversified hobbies and interests. I am very rarely bored. He, however, has the refrain “I’m bored” on constant repeat (AND those words will pop out of his mouth three seconds after coming home from, oh, say an afternoon and two hundred dollars spent at the drag races). I really REALLY think that “you own your own attitude”. You own your own mood, your own state of boredom, your own happiness. If any one of those things is not to your liking, it’s not something anyone other than yourself can fix.

Childish behavior in adults really ticks me off. People in their thirties (and beyond) that act like they’re in eighth grade need to get over themselves. “He said/she said” games have no place being played amongst grown-ups. If something needs to be said to someone, say it. If an opinion needs to be expressed, let it be known. Talking behind someones back is total bullshit. Life is too short, people. Grow the fuck up.

Self-examination is an excellent skill to cultivate. So instead of constantly throwing someone else under the bus, please spend as much time and effort reviewing your own behavior, actions, and attitudes. There is room for improvement. It is not necessary to constantly point out someone else’s flaws in an attempt to deflect attention from your own. Trust me, it’s not working.

People who don’t try their hardest or put forth their best effort, but instead just whine incessantly about something they could change (fix, figure out, accomplish) if they just tried, piss me right off. Do your job and stop trying to get other people to do it for you or make your life easier for you. Own your shit.

Finally, I’m saving the simplest request for last. Treat me as you would like me to treat you.  Crap in equals crap out.  My natural innate cheeriness gets hampered when exposed to enough negativity.

</soapbox>

**Edited to add: I just re-read this and “heard” what it sounded like.  Only that very first thing was about Calvin… everything else wasn’t.  Just wanted to make that clear.